Comforting Someone Who Has Lost a Loved OneUpdated on June 9, 2015
What to Say When Someone Has Lost a Loved OneAt one time or another, everyone will be in the position of needing to comfort a friend who has lost a loved one. It can be very difficult to know what to do or say. If you have never lost someone close to you, it may be hard to determine what would provide comfort.
After losing my daughter to a car accident, there were some things that comforted me and other things that actually hurt more than they helped, despite them all being well-intentioned. I do feel that after going through that, I can better minister to others who are going through something similar. In this article I will share some of the things that I learned in hopes that you will be able to use some of the suggestions when you are called on to comfort a friend who has lost a loved one.
Note that I am not a trained counselor or psychologist and have not studied the various information on death and dying such as the stages of grief. I can only speak from personal experience and share my views after going through the most devastating time of my life.Don't: Say You UnderstandUnless you have gone through the exact type of loss your loved one is experiencing, don't try and tell the hurting friend that you understand. The truth is, you really don't simply because you can't. There's nothing wrong with not understanding the grief but wanting to sympathize. In this case, it is far more comforting to hear "I can't even imagine," rather than "I understand what you're going through" which may come across as insincere.
It comes down to just being very honest about what you can and can't understand but letting the person know that you acknowledge their pain at the very least. Don't: Ask How He or She is DoingDon't ask your friend how they are doing—you can answer that yourself: they are not doing well.
This is a common thing to do and instinctively the first thing that may come to mind. While you do care and are just trying to help, this phrase does not help and puts the hurting friend in a position of saying they're "fine" even though they are not. Alternatively they could also end up blowing up and saying something like "Of course I'm not fine," or "How do you think I'm doing?"
When I was going through my loss, another father who had lost two daughters of his own told me to tell my friends: instead of asking me how I'm doing, ask "Are you hanging in there?" That is something I could answer truthfully, and by admitting that I was hanging in there it gave me a bit of strength. I have used this phrase many times since then when talking to friends who were going through a loss or divorce or illness, and it always brought a smile or a knowing look.Do: Show Your FeelingsShow your feelings. It's okay to cry with them.
The Bible tells us to mourn with those who mourn. If you are hurting for them, it's okay to cry with them. It meant a great deal for me to see tears in the eyes of my friends. While I knew they didn't understand what I was going through, their tears meant that they loved me and that they hurt because I hurt. The tears of a friend also gave me the freedom to let it all out and not apologize or try to control my emotions when I really just needed to cry.Don't: Force Them to TalkThere are times when a grieving person needs to talk and there are times when they just need to cry. Don't force them to talk about how they are feeling or tell them they need to "get it out." There may come a time later that they may need to talk to a professional if they are keeping too many feelings bottled up, but right after the loss is not that time. They may need you to be with them even if they are quiet. That's the best you can do in that case—just sit with them and let them know that you're there by doing that. Do: Talk About Their Loved OneI can only speak about the loss of a child but right after the loss as well as now, it makes me so happy to hear one of my friends talk about my daughter and especially to say and hear her name.
It is normal for you to feel like you will upset the hurting friend by not bringing up the loved one or trying to make them think about something else. However the truth is that it is actually comforting to hear someone speak about the loved one. Right after my loss and even more so today, it gives me such joy to hear someone talk about my daughter and especially to say and hear her name. I'm not sure why hearing her name is so comforting but I have talked to several other parents who have also lost a child and they have reported the same thing. It may be that after losing a child, a parent has a fear of the child being forgotten. This way, she or he is kept alive and remembered through the conversation and memories.Don't: Tell Them They Will be Okay or that Time Will Heal the WoundsIn short, don't use any of the cliches that are typically used such as telling them they will be okay, that time will heal all wounds, that it was just meant to be or similar such remarks. The exception to this is if it comes from someone who has truly been through the same kind of loss. For example, one mother who had lost both her son and daughter in an auto accident years earlier, came to my house the day after I got home from the hospital and looked me straight in the eyes and said, "You will be okay." I looked at her and saw in her eyes that she had experienced the same devastating fear and pain that I was feeling and knew I could trust her. I held on to those four words for a very long time.
Personally, the hardest thing for me to hear was that time would heal all wounds or that I would get better with time. Thinking about the future without my daughter brought fear and dread. What really helped was just to have my friends acknowledge that I was in pain and that they were there for me.Do: Continue to Be There for Them After Everyone Else Has Gone Back to Their Normal LifeThe weeks following the accident were filled with cards, visits, phone calls but as the weeks turned into months people just normally go back to their daily life while the hurting person is still hurting and in need of those same things - cards, visits and phone calls. The first few weeks I was was in shock and although I was hurting I hadn't completely grasped the loss or the loneliness. As the brevity of the event sets in I needed those things more than ever and I am thankful for the friends who have continued to minister to me even to this day.My Beautiful Daughter Kristi Marie
Do: Contact Me If You Need SupportI have mentioned several "don'ts" in this article, and while I hate to use such a negative connotation, it's important that you understand what may not help in this type of situation. More than anything else, I want to be honest with you so that you can really minister to your hurting friend.
If, on the other hand, you are reading this article because like me, you are going through the loss of a loved one or even a child, please know that you are not alone. Please email me if you have lost a child—the thing that helped me the most was being able to ask questions and to talk to other parents who knew the emotions that I was experiencing.
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(1.03 sec)Advantages and Disadvantages of Being an Only ChildUpdated on April 1, 2015Pros and Cons of Being the Only ChildThe Advantages:
Being an only child can be either good or bad, depending on how you perceive it and how you are brought up by your parents. The advantages could be that you get the undivided love and attention of your parents. They would dote on you more and provide for you more - in terms of getting you stuff, toys, etc. Obviously, being an only child means that your parents have only you to spend the money on and not have to share it among other siblings. So, you'd get more toys than normal, more money to spend than normal, more inheritance than normal, and of course more love from your parents than normal.
As an only child, you may also be spared the complications arising out of having an overbearing, unhelpful, competitive sibling. It is no fun having a sibling like this, who hoards the attention of your parents, who in the eyes of your parents can do no wrong and is doted upon to no end, often at your expense. They may well walk off with much of the inheritance by virtue of being the doted one in the family. As an only child, you would be free of any of these complications.
As an only child, you may grow up to be more independent and able to fend for yourself better, if your parents haven't spoiled you by tending to your each and every need. Not having an older sibling to help you every step of the way may in that sense be beneficial and make you capable of looking after yourself earlier in life. Therefore, being an only child can certainly have its advantages.&The Disadvantages:
As far as disadvantages go, the "Little Emperor Syndrome" comes to mind. For those unfamiliar with the term, "Little Emperor Syndrome" refers to the Chinese situation involving parents and their single child. Of course, all of you would be aware of China's one-child policy. Little Emperor Syndrome is an unintended consequence of that policy. This is a situation in which the parents lavish their love, attention, resources on this one child of theirs, and as a result, the child becomes spoilt and, well, behaves like a "Little Emperor." This sort of excessive attention and care can prove detrimental in the long term for the child. The child gets used to having everything done, managed, taken care of - by their parents. When they have to live in the real world and face real problems, they might not be able to cope with it. They may lack self-confidence to go out in the world and get things done for themselves. They might feel lost outside of the cocoon that their parents created for them. This of course need not always be the case and can be overcome by good parenting.&Perhaps the most apparent disadvantage of being an only child is the feeling of loneliness - not having a sibling to play with regularly and to be able to share your thoughts and memories with. When you parents are no longer around, not having a sibling to talk about things with or look up to for any kind of help or support can be quite a disadvantage. Also, when you parents get older, being an only child, you would have to shoulder the responsibility of taking care of your parents on your own, which might be overwhelming.
As an only child, you may also face an immense pressure put on for example, to keep the family name going or to do well in your academics. As an only child, you would also be watched with an eagle eye by your parents and this may be quite suffocating and stressful for you. If you had siblings, the pressure wouldn't be as much and you may perhaps be able to lead a more stress-free life. This again would be a highly subjective experience. There may be many who may feel no stress at all and are able to take this pressure, real or perceived, within their stride.
My Experience of Not Being the Only Child in my FamilySo, there are advantages and disadvantages to being an only child. However, how each child turns out - really depends on how the child has been brought up, among other factors.
Personally, I always wished I was the only child in my family. Perhaps, it is not a nice thing to say, but that's how I fee genuinely! You know, the grass always seems greener on the other side. In my specific situation, the age gap between me and my brother was just 3 years, and therefore, there was a lot of rivalry and acrimony between us - all through childhood - it affected me quite a bit, not the usual childhood fights, which you grow out of. Being the eldest in my family, I always felt that I was not treated fairly when it came to certain situations, especially conflict situations. I was always expected to be magnanimous and largehearted and forgive and forget - whereas my younger brother was doted on and shielded. I still feel that to be the case to this day. We do get along much better now, but it isn't your usual loving relationship - more formal than familial and loving.My mom still dotes on my little brother to no end, which is good, but she doesn't see me the same way, which is what I regret and bemoan. I've never quite understood this difference. At times, I think to myself that this is all my imagination - that I am just seeing things that aren't there! That there is really no discrimination so to speak. But, then again, there is a difference, you know what I mean? Perhaps, a lot of you would have no clue about what I am talking about. Then again, there may be a lot of you who know exactly what I am talking about, so there you have it - each individual would have a very unique experience and a very unique answer to whether being an only child is an advantage or disadvantage.
I am sure, there would be lots of single, lonely people out there, who were the only child in their families, who would have wished they had a brother or sister growing up!! There is no real definitive answer to this question, as the responses to this question would be highly subjective and varied based on each person's own unique personal experience. Would love to hear your own personal experiences on being an only child or being a child with siblings growing up. Do feel free to share your personal experiences!
More in this Series4Thought about how to prepare your child for the new baby on the way? Learn what you can do to help prepare your child for the arrival of the new baby!
7Dealing with sibling rivalry can be tiring for a parent. Learn how to reduce sibling rivalry and make all your kids feel better!
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(0.58 sec)和语法 1They were very put out to find XXX on his own2He was feeling put out and bored when a sweet voice just outside the door called Brother3He sat down on his couch to answer:yes ,thank you,auntie,i'm sorry to have put you and my cousin to such_百度作业帮
和语法 1They were very put out to find XXX on his own2He was feeling put out and bored when a sweet voice just outside the door called Brother3He sat down on his couch to answer:yes ,thank you,auntie,i'm sorry to have put you and my cousin to such
和语法 1They were very put out to find XXX on his own2He was feeling put out and bored when a sweet voice just outside the door called Brother3He sat down on his couch to answer:yes ,thank you,auntie,i'm sorry to have put you and my cousin to such trouble(to have在什么时候用,什么时态用,为什么不直接to put you and.)4
put out [not before noun] British Englishupset or offended:She felt put out that she hadn't been consulted.to have put you and my cousin to such trouble 这是不定式的完成时（不是现在完成时）表示动作已经发生了,因此才抱歉（I am sorry to...）,如果用to put you and my cousin to such trouble,动作还没做,是一种警告了.
to 在这个句子里面是用在了形容词后面了，系动词/BE动词 +TO 表示一种情态，如I AM SO HAPPY TO MEET YOU .直接用的话 语法上无错误 ，但是语境不错了 上下部一致，用的是现在完成时态，表示对现在造成的影响和结果
1. They were very put out to find XXX on his own.put out 不方便：这里的put是过去分词，用作表语，表示主语所处的状态，were put out就是感到不方便。on his own
独自地, 独立地, 主动地翻译：他们感到非常不方便独自找到XXX。2. He was feeling put out a...
1他们发现XXX单独一人时很恼火。2当他听到一个甜美的嗓音就在门外称他兄弟时感到烦乱厌倦。3他坐在他的沙发上回答：是的，谢谢你，阿姨，很抱歉给您和我表兄带来这样的麻烦。to have不是一个固定用法，这里的用法还是是to do，不过是to后接的完成时态，完成时态通常用于过去发生，且对现在仍然产生影响的情景表达。sorry to have done sth. ...Missing Big Brother, I Miss My Big Bro, Death Poem by Teens
Remember Me
I Miss My Big Bro
I'm Lora. I lost my brother when I was 11 my brother was 14. I am now about to turn 15 and it is so hard to be here on earth without my brother.
Last week on October 29, 14, my brother took his life. I've never been so hurt in my life. There's not a second that I don't think of him. He was more than a brother. He was my best friend....
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& Lora Sedell
Published on
January 2008
I Miss My Big Bro
From day one,
without knowing it,
I loved you with all my heart.
As I grew older I looked up to you and to no other.
Yes, we fought many of times but you supported,
and encouraged me in everything I did.
You were my best friend and my hero.
At night I miss the sound of your music,
I miss you climbing through the window when you were late.
I miss your comfort and the way you made me feel safe.
I miss our nonsense arguments and all our wrestling matches just to pass time.
I like to remember our times together good times and the bad.
I regret the times I yelled at you when you were only trying to help,
but you know I only did it because you did it to me.
I wanted to do everything you did,
because I wanted to JUST like you!
I miss your smile,
and I miss the way our room smelt of your cologne.
But most of all I miss your reassuring hugs and playful kisses.
I wish I could go back and tell you how I felt,
tell you that I really need you no matter what I said.
I kept your favorite sweater and wear it every time I miss you
like I did when I was
I will always love you no matter how long its been,
since the day your life came to an end.
I miss my big brother.
R.I.P Chris 1/8/90 - 1/4/04
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