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" I help divorced parents and their kids survive and thrive in their shared custody or split family living situations " -- DK
Coping with Shared Custody?
Finally a kids book to help.
Know a divorced family?
It seems that we all do.
With DK's book and other tools on this website, now you can help them heal from the pain of divorce and learn to live in their split family living situation more effectively.
Start by getting a copy of the beautifully illustrated book, We're Having A Tuesday.
Inside you'll read the story of a young girl going through the pain and confusion of her own parents' divorce.
You'll also find pages to help facilitate converstation with the child in your life about their own frustrations.
Learn more about how this tool can help a child in your life learn to cope with divorce and split family living by .
Browse articles and numerous tips on how to help children and families live in split families more effectively. .
On the Outside Looking In: How to Make a Difference for a Child of Divorce even as a Bystander
to read full article.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
DK Simoneau is an award winning children's book author and has offered advice on divorced parenting in numerous publications and on various programs, including the CBS Early Show. She grew up as a child of divorce and now is a real-life divorced mother of two. Her experiences on both sides of divorce have given her the ability to relate to both the parents and the children of split-family situations.
Though not an advocate of divorce, she quickly realized how fast split-family living had become commonplace.
She is now a devoted authority on living 'split-family' more effectively.
The noticeable changes in her own children on transition days motivated her to create tools to help facilitate conversation between children and on-looking adults.
She also enjoys writing stories that help children express their feelings or inspire them to dream and use their zany, whimsical imaginations. Her second title, Santa's (Zany, Wacky, Just Not Right!) Night before Christmas is now available. (see ) Meanwhile in her spare time, she enjoys traveling, dancing, and sharing time with her own 2 kids in Lakewood, Colorado.
Contact: DK Simoneau, or
DK Simoneau and David Radman team up to release a wonderful new children's picture book.
It's a story to spark the imagination, make kids giggle and bring a smile even to a grownup's face.
Don't miss it!
Available in hardback, Kindle on an Interactive app now.
&Copyright
DK Simoneau, AC Publications Group. All rights
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&& Joint Physical
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Joint Physical Custody: Smart Solution or Problematic Plan?
By Roz Zinner, LCSW-C
Divorce and Family Mediation Services
1406-b Crain Highway S
Glen Burnie, MD 21061
410-760-5588
Background
In recent years, shared or joint physical custody
has gained tremendous popularity as a means of caring for children after
a divorce. While the court has the final word on custody decisions, the judge
or master upholds most negotiated settlements.
Physical custody refers to the parent's right
to have the children actually reside in that parent's home. Shared physical
custody can take many forms, from summers at father's and the school year
with mother, to switching homes every other day. Children have two primary
residences, even if time in each is not equal. Joint legal custody, outside
the scope of this article, refers to the shared responsibility, regardless
of where the children are living, for making major decisions about a child's
welfare including education, health care, and religious upbringing. Frequently
divorcing couples share legal custody without sharing physical custody. When
divorce mediators work with couples they help in developing a parenting
agreement, and avoid the inflammatory term "custody" when possible. In this
article, however, the term "custody" will be used for purposes of
Why has joint physical custody gained
in popularity?
One positive reason is that women and men are
realizing more the importance of fathers to children, and more men want to
have a primary role in their lives. Many fathers are no longer content to
be the biweekly visitor while Mom retains sole custody. As traditional marital
roles shift, our concepts of the best way to parent children after divorce
change also.
Another reason for the increase in popularity
relates to the increase in mothers who must work full-time. Solo parenting
becomes quite difficult for a mother with a demanding full-time job, especially
one with overtime or a commute. Many couples, whose pre-separation lives
were already stretched thin, find they must cooperate and juggle time to
manage the childcare needs of their children.
In some cases, the choice of shared physical
custody is a means for avoiding a prolonged, bitter custody battle unlikely
to yield any real winners. Because of the very nature of the adversarial
process, conflict is often exacerbated and communication breaks down. Judges
attempt to rule in favor of what is in the best interests of the child, and
when there are two competent parents, this is an obvious solution.
What are the advantages of joint
1. Living in both households allows
children to maintain a strong relationship with both parents. Research
shows that half of all children in joint custody arrangements see both parents
weekly, but only about 1 in 10 children of primary custody agreements see
their non-custodial parent that often.
When both parents are available, children enjoy the
unique gifts of guidance, discipline, and love of each parent. Additional
advantages are the role models that fathers can nurture and mothers take
2. Children
benefit when parental relations are cooperative and there is no extended
legal wrangling. When parents are reasonably satisfied with their
custody plan, they are more likely to cooperate on a range of issues. Children
are less likely to manipulate, and learn that conflicts can be resolved in
a civil way.
Research shows that
couples who use divorce mediation, rather than litigation, decide on joint
custody twice as often. In
Mom's House, Dad's House,
Isolina Ricci, Ph.D., wrote, "When children are free to love both their parents
without conflict of loyalty, to have access to them both without fear of
losing either, they can get on with the totally absorbing business of growing
up, on schedule.
Barbara Hauser, a social
worker with 20 years experience assessing litigating parents wrote: "Parents
have no idea how much they are hurting their children when they prime their
child to criticize the other parent."
3. Children
in shared custody have "normal time" with both parents. When mothers
have primary custody, "Sunday Dads" often shower kids with costly activities
and gifts aimed at making up for lost time. This is turn generates resentment
from mothers who feel they are left with the less glamorous jobs of setting
limits and disciplining. Moreover, mothers on tight budgets feel cheated
when they cannot afford to be as generous.
4. Joint custody
mitigates the traumatic sense of loss and rejection children often feel when
a parent moves out. Judith Wallerstein, who did the most comprehensive
longitudinal study of the impact of divorce on children, found that 10 years
after the divorce, children who were allowed continuous access to both parents
appeared less likely to suffer from feelings of loss, rejection, and low
self-esteem.
Anecdotally, clinical
social workers working with children with access to only one parent, found
they expressed their anger in both subtle and direct ways. They were more
depressed, withdrawn, and uncommunicative, and had more somatic
5. Children
in joint custody may benefit materially, as child support is paid fully 75%
of the time, compared to 46% in solo custody arrangements.
What are the disadvantages of shared custody?
1. Children's lives may resemble that
of a travelling salesman, never settled in any one place. This is
particularly true when there are no consistent schedules known ahead of time,
and children move back and forth at the whim of parental needs. It is compounded
when each child's developmental, educational, and social needs are not
considered.
Children with learning disabilities, for example,
will have more trouble organizing their schoolwork when they shuttle between
2 homes. When two parents keep track of school assignments in different places,
gaps easily occur. "I thought you were keeping up with his math" is a familiar
2. The psychological impact may be a
sense of lack of control and chaos in a child's life. Predictability
and stability help children develop confidence and the ability to take reasonable
Judith Wallerstein studied
families who were contesting custody and whose shared custody arrangements
were, to some extent, involuntary. She reported on her concern that the frequent
transitions under joint custody can exacerbate the divorced child's fear
of abandonment. "It's because the child feels safe nowhere. Conflict is bad
for children, and if you put them more in the middle, it's bad.
3. Expenses are greater in maintaining two full
residences. There is duplication in need for clothing, furniture, and other
necessities. In Wallerstein's study, 85 % of the kids from intact families
headed to college, compared to 50% of children in divorced families. This
at least partially relates to the long-term financial
4. Fathers are sometimes unprepared for the
actual responsibilities of shared custody. Despite the influence of the feminist
movement, the reality is that most women are still the primary caretakers
of children, even when they work full-time. Some fathers grow easily into
an expanded role, others have more difficulty.
5. When parents have unresolved marital
issues, joint custody can exacerbate family conflict. Today, most
of the 34 states with joint-custody laws give judges the power to order joint
custody (or sole custody) even when there is objection by one or both
fact is troubling because joint custody requires much more frequent discussion
between partners, and this contact can compound the conflict and animosity
already present. When a parent remarries and there are "step" children, new
loyalty issues need to be sorted out. The new spouse may resent the constant
presence of the ex-spouse in the fabric of every day life. In contrast, some
people whose sole custody arrangement requires minimal ex-spouse contact,
report that this allows them greater freedom to move forward in their lives.
What can parents do to make joint custody
successful?
First, parents should consider the trust level
around parenting issues they had during their marriage. Other key considerations
are the strength of parents' motivation to make it work, the children's needs
and personalities, and the practical and financial situation of the family.
Research points to the
conclusion that the parents' emotional adjustment before the divorce may
be the best predictor of how each will behave afterwards, regardless of the
type of custody. Ironically, it appears that children whose parents are in
less conflict will fare best in either
arrangement. (8)
Shared custody works
best when:
· Parents
can maintain a civil, business-like relationship.
Arrangements are planned around the
children's needs and developmental requirements.
Schedules are predictable and stable
but flexible enough to change when circumstances dictate it.
Parents live in physical proximity.
Parents are careful to support and not
undermine each other, regardless of their own feelings.
Financial resources are available to
maintain two full residences.
How can a divorcing couple develop a
quality joint custody agreement?
Divorce mediation offers the best structure
for discussing and negotiating both large and small details of the parenting
agreement. Mediators are specially trained to help couples learn to communicate
in the business-like way they will need to make joint custody work.
Partners talk face to face and remain in control
of these important decisions, rather than turning them over to the unknown
outcome of 2 lawyers' negotiations or the judge's finding.
Our adversarial system sets up the two parties
to do battle with each other. This can be expensive both financially and
emotionally. Once a downward cycle of demands and accusations gets started,
it becomes increasingly difficult for partners to come to a mutually agreeable
parenting plan.
It is not a coincidence that mediated divorces
result in joint custody much more frequently than adversarial ones. A trained
mediator can help parents discuss what is best for their children, and help
them decide whether joint custody is a smart solution or a problematic plan
for their family.
i Gustafson-Peterson, Ross D., "The Effects
of Divorce Mediation," Parkside Human Services Corporation, Park Ridge, Illinois,
ii Ricci PH.D.Isolina, Mom's House, Dad's
house, New York: Simon and Shuster, 1980.
iii Zinmeister, Karl, "Divorce's Toll on
Children," American Enterprise, May-June 1996.
iv Glaser,
Sarah, "JOINT CUSTODY: IS IT GOOD FOR THE CHILDREN?" Congressional Quarterly
Inc., 1989.
v Judith S. Wallerstein, "Children after
Divorce: Wounds that Don't Heal," New York Times Magazine, Jan. 22, 1989,
pp. 19, 42. The complete study is contained in Wallerstein's SECOND CHANCES:
MEN, WOMEN, & CHILDREN A DECADE AFTER DIVORCE (1989).
vi Wallerstein, Judith, SECOND CHANCES:
MEN, WOMEN, & CHILDREN A DECADE AFTER DIVORCE (1989).
vii Glaser, Sarah, ibid.
viii William S. Coysh, Janet R. Johnston,
Jeanne M. Tschann, Judith S. Wallerstein and Marsha Kline, PARENTAL POSTDIVORCE
ADJUSTMENT IN JOINT AND SOLE PHYSICAL CUSTODY FAMILIES, Center for the Family
in Transition, 1988, p. 30.
Copyright 2000 by Roz Zinner, LCSW-C
Copyright 2000 Stephen R. Marsh
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