Observations/ Reflections
&|&on February, 18th , 2015 &|&
I had a few alternative titles in mind for this post including:
“I am not a millennial.”
” 35+ is the new 22. TRUST ME. I’m your elder.”
“Damn. I really can’t relate to GIRLS at all.”
“The Oddball on Your Facebook Wall”.
But seriously, I wonder: Am I too old to blog? Is it silly for a girl woman of a certain age to share her thoughts in what is essentially an online journal? Is it sad? Weird? Awkward? Boring?
Is this blogging thing too hip for crotchety Gen-Xrs? Is mine a voice that resonates with anyone?
I ask myself this because blogging or otherwise, I find myself fitting into a strange, small segment of the populace.
I am a woman over the age of 35. Married. No children.
If you fit into this funny little niche, give me a call sometime. We’ll compare notes on eye creams and bemoan the uncertainties that accompany advanced maternal age.
Most women my age are mothers. I have no statistical evidence here, but I feel fairly comfortable stating it as fact. And it’s not that I can’t relate to women with children. Nearly all of my close friends are mothers, and I never feel like there’s some great divide that keeps us from having funny, meaningful, enjoyable conversations. With real friends, there will always be something to connect to, even after the circumstances that once bound you change.
But when it comes to feeling a connection to someone else’s blog, essays, or personal writing, I do feel like a basic overlap in lifestyles is somewhat essential. When we read about others’ experiences, what we really want to do is connect to something that reminds us of ourselves. People are a little self-centered, aren’t they? Fiction is another realm altogether, but when it comes to personal, first-person writing, if you don’t find yourself thinking, “She took the words right out of my mouth” every now and then, the writing probably doesn’t resonate all that deeply. I haven’t found a lot of blogs written by people my age that aren’t associated with parenting in some way, so I have a hard time connecting to them. Our lifestyles are too different.
Mothers: Did you find yourself fascinated by sleep training years before you became a mom? I didn’t think so.
So then I find myself occasionally tuning into blogs written by women younger than me, who are either single or married, without kids. It probably isn’t even true, but it often feels that the bulk of blogs out there are written by women in their early to mid 20s. At this point in my life, it can be hard for me to relate to the 20-something experience. I remember it fondly, but it also feels really far away. I’m also not sure that someone in their early 20s would find anything compelling in the content on my blog.
So I wonder…where are the other bloggers in their mid to late 30s without kids? Am I really that much of an oddball? If you know of anyone who fits in my niche, I’d certainly love to know about them. I still get a kick out of reading all kinds of blogs, but it’d be nice to find a few new ones that echo some of my own experiences.
And since I was the one to throw it out there, I’ll go ahead and answer my own question.
I’m a better writer at 37 than I was at 22. I’m less self-conscious, and more trusting of my own voice. I know myself better, and think more interesting thoughts. I censor myself less and challenge myself more. And at the end of the day, I have weightier life experiences to reflect on and write about.
So, no. I don’t think I’m too old to blog.
But I’m definitely too old for crop tops.
&|&on February, 17th , 2015 &|&
Hey! It’s Fashion Week in New York City! Know what relevance this event has in my life?
None! Bupkus! Nunca! No soy fashionista!
I mean, I’m not a total mess. I always make sure my pants fit and I’m not running around town in khakis and a tophat or anything, but the actual fashion scene is not one that I have ever been a part of.
But the food scene. That’s a scene I can get in on. Although, sometimes that’s pretty out of my league too.
Friday night Vin and I went out to dinner with our friend Zach, who used to live here but now lives in DC. Now this guy is a food connoissuer. He’s the kind of guy who roasts bone marrow in his home kitchen and breaks his wrist swirling wine after the waiter does his first pour. He can pick up on on notes and essences and knows all the right words to describe food like “astringent” or “gamy”. The cool part is that none of this comes off as
he’s simply a guy who really knows about food and truly enjoys a sublime meal.
We knew we had to pick a good place for a palate of his pedigree.
The first time we went to this particular restaurant it was located inside an old diner car. I ordered a spanish omelette, and when it arrived it had some kind of weird black gook mixed in among the potatoes.
“What’s this black stuff?” I asked the waiter.
“Oh, that’s brains.” I sent it back and asked for the brainless version. Save the jokes, please.
That restaurant closed when they lost their lease, and was replaced by two separate restaurants– one during the day and another at night. The day version is inside a classroom of an old school, which has since been converted to a museum that also serves as a dance club. You eat at kiddie’s desks and order off a chalkboard menu. New York City, man.
We went to the nighttime steakhouse, which is located inside an old auto-body warehouse. It’s an open kitchen, so you can watch the chefs sear filet mignon and furiously whisk pan sauces. You can also see your dinner swimming right around the cooks’ ankles, as there’s a fresh trout tank running along the bottom of the bar.
We ordered stuff like beef tartare with raw egg, foie gras gnocchi and a way too expensive bottle of wine. I reminded myself not to gasp at the prices and simply enjoy the atmosphere, my company and an exceptionally interesting meal. I also reminded myself not to think about the fact that my dinner had oxygen in its gills only ten minutes before being laid to rest on a mound of butter-braised cabbage.
Saving for a house is a real bitch in this town, marked by hand-wringing and sacrifices at every corner. But if you can’t go out and enjoy a pretentious meal every once in a while then why even bother trying to stay?
Sometimes I'm funny
&|&on February, 13th , 2015 &|&
My friend Kim is about to spend her first Valentine’s day with her boyfriend. As such, they are swapping extravagant presents–he’s bought her theater tickets and she is gifting him a new guitar. I know this because she asked Vin to help her pick out a good one.
“Aren’t they adorable?” I said later to my husband.
“They’re super sweet,” Vin replied. Then we locked eyes and smirked before he said exactly what we were both thinking.
“Rookies.”
Our first Valentine’s day together was 50 years ago. Vin had recently quit his job and was spending three months driving around the country just for fun. I was pretty busy in my new life as a ski bum/cocktail waitress. It’s safe to say we both miss our 20s.
I lived in Denver at the time, so we were in a long-distance relationship. Interesting things happen during long-distance relationships. You drag your ass to the post office to mail care packages and love letters. Nights are spent making kissy noises into the receiver during three-hour phone calls (“You hang up first”, “No, YOU hang up first!) and days are filled with flirty texts and moony day-dreaming.
If you and your partner ever find yourself in a slump, I highly recommend one of you skips town and rents an apartment across the country.
We decided to meet in one of my favorite cities– Santa Fe, New Mexico. I arrived at the Ramada Inn hours before he did (because some things never change) and transformed our dingy quarters into a cartoonish love den by littering the room with dozens of hand-crafted paper hearts and pink streamers. He brought chocolates and cookies and sparkly new jewelry. I don’t remember what I wore, but I’m pretty sure it involved lace and rubber bands.
It ended up being an incredibly exciting and romantic weekend, filled with sugar, smooches, and roasted green chiles.
I’m not sure how or why fondue became the archetype for a romantic meal for two, but I decided to pull out all the stops and melt everything in my apartment for V-Day 2.o.
I lived alone this year, and took the liberty of shoving all my living room furniture against the wall so I could create a picnic spread for me and my man. I rolled out a deep pink blanket, and scattered a bunch of girly pillows around so I could lean seductively while dripping hot gruyere onto my chin.
We started with a full cheese course before diving headfirst into a bucket of melted chocolate, booze and heavy cream. The first few tastes were heaven, and just like I had planned, by the last few bites we couldn’t keep our hands to ourselves. We were like savages–a tangle of arms and hands clawing all over each other as we both fought over who got to murder the bathroom first.
Year Three:
Back in New York and living with roommates,
I transformed my teeny bedroom on the Upper West Side into a charming Italian cafe. I brought in a small round table and covered it in linen and tiny white candles. I turned off all the lights and served filet mignon and fettuccine alfredo while Stevie Wonder played softly in the background. It was a great meal, but steak should never be served in one’s bedroom. Once your sheets and curtains smell like beef, the evening goes downhill fast.
Years Four through Six:
It was around this time that gifts became more perfunctory than predictable. These were the years when Vinny started gifting me All-Clad pans for holidays. His mother thought it marked the beginning of the end, but I felt like things were just getting good. My man knew me better. Flowers last about a week. Stainless steel is forever.
Years Seven through Ten:
Dinner? Flowers? Chocolate? Sex? Did we even exchange cards? Who the hell remembers?
This year, we’re double-dating with one of our favorite couples, Jen and Jackie. We’ll share a healthy vegan meal and end the night with John Hughes movies. Don’t tell Vin but I’m planning to blindfold him after dinner and drag him through the snow for a midnight viewing of Fifty Shades of Gray. Who says romance is dead?
Whatever you guys are up to for Valentine’s Day, please make sure you read about recreating scenes from this weekend’s sexy blockbuster. If you’re too lazy to click on this link, the gist is that you should always keep the key to your handcuffs handy and think twice before locking anything to your genitals.
I would also add “avoid dairy” to that list.
And please: take my word for it and never fill a bathtub with an entire bottle of baby oil expecting magically sexy things to happen. Not only will you clog your drain something awful, but your hair will never have any volume again and at least one of you will end up with a head injury.
Happy Valentine’s Day Lovahs!
&|&on February, 9th , 2015 &|&
We did it! We made it a full 30 days of whole foods with no cheating. I’m really glad I stuck it through to the end so I could share some genuine results.
My last whole30 update included a lot of whining and bitching. I was NOT feeling this program toward the end of it, and was having a really hard time seeing the point in doing it.
I have no idea what changed. Oh wait– yes I do. Vinny came home.
Here comes some Valentine’s week sap for you, but a big source of my moodiness that third week of the Whole 30 was not so much about what I was or wasn’t eating, but the fact that my husband was out of town and I missed him terribly. He came back from his trip, and suddenly my mood wasn’t so edgy anymore. Funny how that works.
Anyway, last Tuesday wrapped up the Whole 30 for us, and we were both hesitant about what came on Day 31. Well, not me. I knew exactly what came on Day 31. COFFFFFFEEEEEEEEEE. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la YAY!!!!
The next morning I was so excited I woke up early, before my alarm. I whirred up some beans in the grinder– good stuff from Dean & Deluca Vin had put in my Christmas stocking– and mentally prepared myself for one of the greatest mornings of my life. I added the flourishes that had been banned during the Whole30– half & half and some turbinado sugar– consciously using less than I usually do.
And then I sat down, turned on the Today Show, and started drinking.
And I felt NUTS.
Not good nuts. Bad nuts- like those weird Brazil nuts everyone purposely leaves in the bottom of the can after all the cashews and almonds have been picked out. The caffeine and the sugar rushed through me and I felt an intense, almost immediate high. It was 6:30 in the morning and I was bouncing off the walls. I was singing in the shower like Mariah Carey. My hands were shaking and my heart was racing. I’d had plenty of caffeine in the form of black tea throughout the Whole30, but I’d had no sugar in 30 days, so the minute it hit my blood stream it felt like my circulatory system was hosting a rave. I’d eaten a protein-rich breakfast in hopes of preventing a feeling like this, but to no avail.
Predictably, hours later at work, I crashed. Really, really hard. Around 11 am I felt absolutely starved, and the first thing that hit my brain was that I really wanted carbs. I hadn’t felt that way in a month, and it felt awful. Later into the work day, I was more sluggish and fatigued than I remember ever feeling before. My eyes were so heavy I could barely keep them open. I had a mild headache too. Coffee with light sugar and milk was the only non-compliant thing I’d had all day, and the result was terrible. I have to say, this was the most eye-opening experience of the whole thing. Now I understood why I was doing it in the first place.
For the record, this is totally not how you’re supposed to reintroduce foods following a whole 30. You’re supposed to do it very slowly, and very methodically, adding different foods one at a time so that you can see which of them you’re sensitive to. Clearly, like everyone else, I have a strong reaction to sugar. And that’s what will change the most in our diets following this experience. The way we incorporate sweets into our lives.
First of all–and we’ll see how long this actually lasts– but we’re going to start treating desserts like real treats as opposed to nightly habits. I’m knocking out white sugar, and replacing it with unrefined sweeteners like coconut sugar, maple syrup and sucanat. Same goes with flour. Out goes the white stuff, and in its place will be ground oats and nuts. I baked something this weekend from the Oh She Glows cookbook, replacing all refined stuff with healthier alternatives, and they were terrific, so this isn’t something I see being difficult.
I will also make a real conscious effort to make all lunches an equal balance of carbs, fat and protein. The lunches I made throughout the whole 30 (usually a combination of baked, boiled or grilled chicken with roasted sweet potatoes, kale or avocado) kept us satisfied and full until dinner, without bloating or fatigue in the afternoon. Lunches will be pretty plain, but they’ll do their job and get us through without crashing in the afternoons.
At the end of the day, this will probably be my last Whole30 experience. I think I’ve learned enough from it that I don’t need to do it again. In fact, we had our first meal out after Whole 30 on Saturday night, and we both ordered meals that were totally compliant, so something must have stuck. Vin would probably eat this way for the rest of his life if I kept up with the cooking (PS: not happening). He really loves it, and notes feeling physically awesome. Aside from the coffee with milk and sugar (which I now drink decaf, with coconut sugar and soy milk), I can see a lot of our meals still being clean. At the same time, life is short and doughnuts are spectacular.
Let’s not get crazy– I still love to cook and eat, and I have no plans to eliminate any food permanently from my diet. Except for capers and olives, but trust me…that’s no sacrifice.
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&|&on February, 4th , 2015 &|&
This past year has been all about SAVING MONEY. Because when you’re house-hunting in New York City, you need a whole lot of it.
I feel squeamish sharing the actual number in our joint savings right now, but we’ve both been pleasantly surprised by how much we’ve been able to stash away over the past year and a half or so. We got hitched in 2012 and went on three big trips in our first year of marriage (no regrets there!), so we really began saving in earnest in 2013.
We’re not extreme cheapskates and reusing toilet paper or anything nutty like that, but we’ve definitely made some good changes that were actually pretty simple, so I figured they were worth sharing here.
Our general saving strategy:
We fall under the DINK category (double-income/ no kids) which puts us in a great position to save. Certain aspects of our lifestyle are also conducive to saving– we’re blessed with small appetites and below-market rent, and neither of us drinks (much) or smokes. We have no debt or student loans, we live within our means, we’re in good health, and we’re in a stage of our lives where we just have a very low overhead. We work very hard, and feel lucky that we are able to save.
We used to just split most of the bills down the middle and each put $500 in savings each month. A few months ago, we switched it around, and it seems to be working much better. Vin pays all bills (rent, all insurance, cable, cell phones). Food and most house-related purchases come out of my checking account but almost every dollar I make goes directly into our joint savings. Seeing the number go up and up in our savings has made cutting back in lots of ways not as difficult.
Here are some of the ways we’re keeping more of our cash:
-I cook homemade 95% of the time. Grocery shopping, food prepping and cooking takes more time and energy than ordering in/eating out, but for me, the cost savings and health benefits are well worth it. Almost all lunches are brought to work.
-If we’re not cooking at home, we’re actually going out. In a city built on Seamless, Vin and I never order takeout. If we’re going to skip cooking at home, we are going to have a real restaurant experience. I realize this is easier for us to stick to because we don’t have zeee babeez.
- I buy and make food that can streeeeeetch. Every Sunday I boil one whole organic chicken with tons of garlic, ginger, salt and pepper. I use the leftover broth for soups and other dishes, and whatever’s left gets frozen for another time. The chicken is used throughout the next few days on salads, sandwiches, in enchiladas, in soups or plain with avocado on top. I make my own almond milk, and am planning to dehydrate the pulp to make almond flour (that stuff is EXPENSIVE). Other cheap ingredients that give you more bang for your buck are lentils, dried beans, and cornmeal (for polenta, making crusts, cornbread).
-Speaking of soups– start making ‘em! I end up making two simple soups a week with the broth leftover from my boiled chicken. I bought two Thermos food jars and we take them to work a few times a week. It makes packing lunch super simple, and very cost effective. You can make a ton of soup out of really cheap ingredients and freeze leftover portions.
-Reduced impulse buys– I really have been trying to stick to a list when grocery shopping, and making sure I buy ingredients that can be used in several meals over the week. I stopped buying $2 seltzer waters at work and just drink from the tap during the day, and Vin has cut out his hot cocoa runs (we’ll see what happens when he’s off the Whole30 though:).
-I always eat and cook fruits and veggies in order of when they’ll spoil-
Quick-to-wilt stuff like spinach, fresh herbs, lettuces, and berries get eaten early in the week, while hardier stuff like butternut squash, sweet potatoes and kale are eaten toward the end because they keep longer. I’ve been throwing out much less uneaten produce, which makes me feel good.
ENTERTAINMENT
-I just say ‘No’ a lot more often. If concert or movie tickets are thrown around for something that I’m not THAT into, I’m not going. I’ll always pony up for something I’m dying to do or see, but if I’m feeling “meh” about it, I’d rather hold onto the cash.
-We choose cheap thrills. If Vin and I want to get out of the house, we go out to a coffee shop instead of a restaurant. We can stay much longer and spend much less. It’s easy to hang out with friends and not spend a lot of money- take a walk with a cup of coffee. Done!
-We put a general moratorium on travel- This is admittedly one of the hardest rules to follow because we love to travel. I flew to Texas twice last year to visit family, but we had no other big trips in 2014. Vin’s recent trip to LA was a bargain because he flew on off times and stayed with a friend.
-We’re smarter about when we travel- We wanted to do something special for our anniversary, so we booked one night at a cool hotel in upstate New York- only a two-hour drive away. This hotel has a two-night minimum for weekend nights, so we booked Sunday night only, which was considerably cheaper. We drove up early Sunday and drove back Monday evening, which also helped us avoid traffic!
-We’ve been going potluck when entertaining. I love, love, love to entertain, but it definitely gets expensive. My birthday was a (free) picnic at Central Park, and our other hosting this past year was potluck. Our friends are generous and good cooks so it’s worked out well.
SHOPPING HABITS
-I’ve stopped buying things just because they’re cheaper. This is hard for me, because I love a bargain. But I’ve started buying things I really want instead of settling for the cheapest option, with the assurance that because they’re higher quality I won’t have to replace them anytime soon. I’m finally subscribing to the notion of quality over quantity.
-I buy things that allow me to use other things better.
I always thought I had nothing to wear, but the real problem was that I didn’t have the right shoes to wear with my clothes! I recently bought three pairs of shoes from Zappos– short black boots, tall flat blat boots and black sneakers. These three pairs of shoes have effectively made me feel like I tripled my wardrobe because they go with everything! I’ve worn the boots exhaustively since purchasing them. (except when I’m wearing snow boots of course).
-Replace items only when absolutely necessary. Unless it is unusable, falling-apart-at-the-seams or dangerous, nothing in this house is getting replaced until we move. I have wanted a new couch for years but refuse to buy one until we own our own place. Our car is 15 years old, and we’re not getting a new one until this one crumbles into pieces or bursts into flames. My computer is slow as molasses and the bottom is literally falling off, but it still works so it’s sticking around much longer.
-I barter or swap when able. My expensive hairdryer conked out last year. Rather than cough up the money to replace it, I reached out to my friend Crystal, who works as a beauty editor. I offered to take her out to dinner in exchange for a new dryer. The dryer she brought me was valued at $200, but I only ended up spending $45 and had a nice evening with a friend! My girlfriends are quick to swap books and household items too.
-Before you call the handyman, Youtube it. My husband’s kind of amazing. Anytime something breaks– the washer, the AC in his car, the flatscreen TV-
he hops on Youtube and makes an attempt to fix or replace something himself.
We’ve saved hundreds of dollars this way. My brother remodeled his entire house on his own from watching youtube videos!
-Just keep it simple. Don’t buy things unless you really, truly need them and will use them several times a week. How many handbags does one person need? How many lipsticks?
REDUCE, REUSE, RECYCLE
-Give glass a second life. I almost never buy new glass products, because it’s so easy to repurpose glass containers. Once the last bit of jam has been swiped onto toast, that little glass jar will be used for carrying smoothies to work. My favorite thing to upcycle are the glass candle holders from Bath and Body Works. Once the wick is gone and there’s only a bit more wax in the bottom, stick it in your freezer. After it hardens, take a knife and break up the wax until it falls out in large chunks. A little Palmolive and a sponge, and the whole thing wipes perfectly clean. I use them for candy dishes, flower vases, to corral loose jewelry, and to house my next candle.
-Make your own cleaning products. Scour Pinterest for homemade cleaning supply recipes. Most require stuff that’s super cheap, non-toxic and already in your home like vinegar and lemons. I still make my own and haven’t bought a bottle of Tide in a year and a half. I bought the supplies for 10 bucks in early 2013, and still haven’t had to buy any new ones!!
-We use every last drop, then we add water and make it go even further. When we buy toiletries and other household or beauty products,
I’m not buying a new one until every single drop of product is gone. One great way to use up that last bit of lipstick or concealer that gets buried in the tube is to scrape it out with a toothpick and pack it into a contact lens case. It’s great to have that tiny makeup compact for travel or your work drawer for quick touch-ups.
And because I’m always looking for new tips for saving, please share your best advice for keeping more of your cash! Add it to the comments, or share on my FB page.
&|&on February, 2nd , 2015 &|&
You didn’t click on that thinking I had the solution to getting rich, did you?
Oh, bless your heart. You did.
Sorry, I should have been more clear. I am looking for tips on how to become a millionaire in six months. Because most of the time, Vin and I feel like that’s what needs to happen in order to buy a decent-looking property in a safe, convenient neighborhood in New York City.
Sorry if this title was misleading. This post is really just an update on our
This past year has been all about saving for our first home purchase. We talk about it incessantly. Zillow and Street Easy are the new Facebook, refreshed constantly. I pin images of pristine white kitchens and he dreams of a covered place to park his car.
I allow myself to dream too…about how much easier this process would be ANYWHERE BUT HERE. Vinny never has those dreams. That man is a dyed-in-the-wool New Yorker. His heels are dug into the concrete and they’re never leaving.
Cell phone right hand + hot beverage left hand = True New York style
So here we are. Still in our garden-level apartment in Queens, collecting nickels and crossing our fingers that rubbing enough of them against one another will scrabble together a down-payment for a house. This is another area where Vin is standing firm– we are buying a house, not a condo or co-op. It must be in New York City– not Jersey or Westchester or Connecticut or Long Island. And the kind of house we buy must accommodate more than one-family, so we can have tenants rent out the other floor and help us pay off the mortgage. It’s actually a really smart plan, and a great way to invest.
&For non- NYC folks, these are the types of houses we’re interested in buying. Nothing flashy. Almost always attached, with two or three separate apartments inside. It’s the kind of house Vin grew up in, with all three floors occupied by family. But we want strangers so we can take their money. Yay!!
There are only a few problems. Multi- family houses are plentiful, stunning, and in immaculate condition in a few beautiful areas of Brooklyn like Cobble Hill, Park Slope and Fort Greene. Hooray, right?! But don’t throw any confetti our way- they are almost always several million dollars. I don’t know if you have gleaned this from me and Vin by reading this blog, but…we do not have several million dollars or a down payment befitting such a purchase. That’s some Sarah Jessica Parker shit.
We’d love a multi-family home in Queens, but we’re having trouble finding any in areas we’d consider living, or would have an easy time finding renters.
The neighborhood where we live now offers almost nothing. No one’s selling. The few who are are charging an absolute fortune or accepting only cash offers. CASH OFFERS! Who are these people that can give cash offers on a freakin’ house?!!
Perchance to dream–our ultimate NYC abode. We would rather live in one of these babies than a mansion anywhere else. The Brooklyn brownstone. Siiiiiiiiiigh.
And then there are the old-school brownstones in the “still up and coming” neighborhoods of Brooklyn. They are listed with hyperbole like “You can’t find prices like this anymore!” next to a soul-crushing number like $900,000. A lot of them require a lot of work and in many areas you still run the risk of getting stabbed in the face when checking your mail slot.
Manhattan, Staten Island, and the Bronx are not on the table. We’d be open to Harlem, but are probably already priced out of that area.
Anyway, Vin and I took another step yesterday and attended our very first open house. Actually we found one open house on Zillow, and there just happened to be about five other open houses going on at the same time in that area. That area was .
I believe the term they use for people like us is gentrifiers.
The we stumbled on by accident was absolutely beautiful. It was completely restored with exposed brick and pretty mantles and an enormous basement. The
we ended up seeing was shown by the same well-known realty company and was in equally great condition. Still, they were both so modern and polished (and uh, expensive), and we’ve always kind of hoped for something with a bit of character, something we can really pour our own personalities into.
Enter House #2. Holy shit was this place a dump. The minute I walked in, I felt afraid for my own safety. The walls, the ceilings, the stairs, the floors– they all looked one big sneeze away from completely caving in. Walls and floors were rotting. The ceiling looked craggly and loose, like cottage cheese. It had clearly been neglected for over a decade and had likely housed a gang of squatters.
This was the only redeeming quality of the house. Oh, I’m a sucker for these. But seriously, that was it. I’m not spending $800,000 for a money pit with one pretty feature.
There was crap everywhere. Boxes of crap. Piles of crap. Just unexplainable crap. You can’t see it in this picture, but there was an enormous family-sized can of creamed corn just hanging out in the corner. So much for home staging.
This was taped to a door in the renter’s basement apartment. I don’t…I just…I don’t know anymore.
All I can say is, I could actually picture someone dying in this house, so our hunt continues.
And we’ve only just begun…
Wish us luck.
Give us strength.
Send us money.
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&|&on January, 28th , 2015 &|&
Growing up, I often fantasized about being a “career lady”. When I thought about my future, I could picture it a million different ways, but it almost always included me living in a big city and working in a job that made me feel good about myself. I’m pretty happy to say that after many setbacks, multiple returns to school, plenty of very low-paying jobs and several years of utter confusion, I have finally achieved both. Plus, I don’t even have to wear heels or pantyhose to work, which is doubly exciting.
I’ve been a therapist since 2009, which makes me a career-changer. Prior to this latest incarnation I also spent time as a beauty writer and editor, a nanny, a cocktail waitress, a private tutor, an elementary school teacher and a freelance copyeditor. The path to my career was definitely not straight– it was very wriggly, and occasionally rocky– but the struggles and setbacks have been strangely worth it, and ultimately very, very helpful.
So when comprehensive career resource asked me to dole out career advice
to recent graduates, I jumped at the chance. In fact, I’d had the idea to ask my friends for their career advice months ago in hopes of writing something like that already. In my therapy practice, I always have at least six or seven 20-somethings on my roster that are either current college or high school students or recent graduates, anxious about starting their professional life. These tend to be some of my favorite clients to work with, not only because I can remember and relate to that experience, but also because of their energy, optimism and hopefulness for the future.
So whether you’re just starting out, or at a place in your life where you’re looking to make a change, these are the words of wisdom from some of my most trusted sources–my friends. A few of my thoughts are sprinkled in too:).
&My niece Allison, future career lady&
Jenn (me), Clinical social worker/ Psychotherapist
Bridget, Learning and Development Supervising Associate for a major corporation
Aimee, Stay-at-home-mom, Former HR professional
Michelle, Interior Redesign and Staging Specialist, Feng Shui Consultant and Owner of
Rachel, Plastic surgery nurse/ Rock musician
What do you wish you had known when you were younger and just starting out?
“I was very lucky early on in my career to find a mentor. It is extremely beneficial to have someone to bounce ideas off of, to provide guidance on next steps, to be a sounding board.
Don’t be intimidated, strike up a conversation with someone further along in their career. Nine times out of ten, they’ll be happy to talk and help.” - Bridget
“Don’t try to take on a job that you’re not ready for.
Don’t try to impress people so they like you.”- Michelle
“It’s really okay if you don’t know what you want to do. Most of the time there’s no thunderbolt, a-ha moment where we magically figure it all out. A lot of stuff happens simply by process of elimination. Prepare to hit a few bumps and plan for an exit strategy. S what do you definitely not want to do? This might help narrow things down a bit.”- Jennifer
“I wish I’d known that everyone felt the same as me–lost. I was too shy to speak up.
I wish I’d known that it’s okay to ask for help.”- Rachel
What’s the biggest mistake or setback you’ve made professionally? How did you get through it?
“I don’t believe in mistakes. Everything is just a learning experience. I think the only mistake would be to view something as such. Again, things will go well, things will go badly. When things go badly, look at what happened, learn a lesson, and move on. No need to dwell, no need for a pity party.” - Bridget
“Success comes from confidence and knowledge gained by learning from mistakes.”- Rachel
“I make mistakes daily at work. I forget things people told me. I have said things that weren’t helpful. I always take ownership of my mistakes at work and am very quick to tell people when I’ve done something wrong, don’t have an answer for them, or feel like someone else would be a better fit for them as a therapist. To err is human, and taking responsibility for mistakes is important. Plus, if we did everything perfectly the first time out, we’d never learn or grow personally or professionally.”- Jennifer
To what do you attribute your success?
“I think my success is not professional but personal — I believe I am successful at being a mom because I am so proud of the way my daughter is developing. I guess I attribute my success at motherhood to listening to my instincts.”- Aimee
“Not giving up. There will be amazing months and years where everything seems to fall into place. There will be terrible months and years where you will question everything. It’s all part of the ride. None of it is permanent. So don’t get too cocky when things are good, and don’t get too down when things are bad. Just keep going, always.”- Bridget
“Having strong communication skills and a positive attitude. You can be the most well-qualified, impressively educated job candidate, but if you are unpleasant to be around or have a poor attitude, you’re going to hit a really big wall professionally. Don’t discount the importance of honing your interpersonal skills.”- Jennifer
Finally just admitting it was time for a change, doing what I love, and making my own rules. I love being my own boss and am proud that I’m able to do something I love and get paid for it.”- Michelle
What’s the most important thing to remember when it comes to your personal life?
“I think it’s important to find a hobby or volunteer work that can be scheduled into your calendar so that it becomes as much a priority as your work. Doing something that you truly enjoy is important for the soul and will keep you well-rounded.” -Aimee
“You are no good to yourself or your employer if you are burned out. If you don’t have time for balance, you need to discuss your workload with your employer. If they expect you to give over your life to the job, it may be time to find a new one!” - Bridget
“Try to leave work at work, whenever possible. Don’t internalize your job.
At the end of the day, it will be more important for your headstone to read “She was a loving mother/sister/daughter” than anything else. - Michelle
“It’s probably an unpopular opinion, but I don’t think everyone needs to be in search of their “dream career” in order to be happy. Plenty of people
that may not stoke their creative fires, but pay the bills and allow the flexibility and financial ability to pursue other interests, hobbies and passions outside of their work.”- Jennifer
What’s the boldest choice you have made in your life? What have been the payoffs and drawbacks?
“Quitting my corporate job to to be a stay-at-home mom. The payoff is that I get to be the one to raise my daughter exactly the way I see fit. I get to witness every achievement, milestone and nuance in her days. I am proud to be the one to guide and shape her life. The drawback is that my work skills are getting rusty. I don’t know when or if I’ll return to the corporate world, but if I do, it’s going to be a huge adjustment.” - Aimee
“After being laid off of multiple jobs in one industry, I decided to start my own business in another one that I had always felt passionate about. Starting a business is very hard. Getting new clients is hard. Building a reputation is hard. But doing and enjoying the work makes it all worth it. The fulfillment I have when a job is done and a client is happy is the best feeling. Feeding my spirit and soul through creative work that helps people is one of the best feelings in the world.”- Michelle
“The decision to live my life for myself, not others.
To not worry about the opinions of others.
It might not seem very bold, but it was a very difficult shift to make in my head, and it’s something I have to remind myself of often.
People are going to question your choices, people are going to think you are wrong.
But people don’t have to live your life for you.
Listen to that voice in your head telling you what you truly want, follow it, and block out the voices of haters.”- Bridget
What is your best career advice for women?
“I would suggest looking toward careers that could offer flexibility, which would be helpful upon returning to work if she decides to stay home with her children for a few/many years. Careers where she could have her own practice, such as accounting, real estate, education, or therapy would be suitable for part-time work or flexibility.” - Aimee
“Be honest, upfront, respectful and never get overly emotional on the job.”- Rachel
“People aren’ you need to let your expectations and desires be known.
If you want a promotion, your bosses need to know that. If you’re not satisfied with your compensation, they need to know that too. And if nothing is done about it, you need to look elsewhere. It’s
imperative to open your mouth and not be afraid to ask. And don’t languish someplace that is not filling needs for you. You have to be getting something out of your job. If you aren’t, you’re not building a career.”- Bridget
“Don’t avoid doing something you really want to do (like graduate or medical school) because it will take 2, 3, 4 years to complete it. Money is a different story, but the time will pass regardless. Make the most of it. Don’t say “it’s too late to do that”. It probably isn’t.”- Jennifer
&|&on January, 27th , 2015 &|&
I am really not feeling like myself this week. I feel edgy and irritable, and like I’m about to jump out of my skin. Vinny has been in L.A. since last Thursday and while I’ve never cheated before, I fear I am growing dangerously close. The temptation is killing me, and I’m dying to take this edge off.
Seriously, this Whole 30 crap is getting on my last nerve, and I really want to throw in the towel.
What did you think I was talking about?
So, I already knew this about myself, but extremes are not for me. I am pretty good at moderating myself, and I’m not enjoying the hard fast rules of the whole 30 program. I’ve noticed a real spike in moodiness, crankiness and even mild depression over this past week, and it’s not physiological. The psychological effects of being told everyday that I can’t do something I want to do are very real for me. Sometimes I want just a little piece of chocolate after dinner. I can eat tons of avocados, but I have nothing crunchy to scoop them up with, which just feels like a crime against Tex-Mex. And of course, I am longing for a cup of coffee with cream and light sugar in the morning. To be honest, I don’t wake up as enthusiastically or easily as I usually do because I don’t have coffee to look forward to. Is that pathetic?
Last night, while waiting for the “historic” blizzard to actually touch base in New York City (spoiler alert- it never did), I made a pot of pulled pork and butternut squash chili, and it was bangin’. BUT I couldn’t stick any Fritos in it or grate my own snowstorm of sharp cheddar over the top, and it truly felt like less of a comfort. Afterward I whined to my mother on the phone, “THIS IS NO WAY TO LIVE!”
So why am I still doing this to myself? If I’m just gonna bitch and whine about it, why finish?
There are two key reasons why I won’t quit. The first one is the promise I made to Vinny, who actually has it much harder than me this week, as he’s out of town and hanging out with a friend he enjoys sharing large boxes of donuts with. If you’re going to travel anywhere on this diet, I imagine L.A. is probably a really good one, but I know it’s still really, really tough to eat this way away from home, so if he’s going to stick to it, so am I.
The second reason is to prove to myself that I actually can do it. It’s quite rare that I set a deadline for myself and make it, so having a bit of determination and sticking to a goal I set for myself is important to me. Plus, I mean, sheesh. If avoiding sugar and dairy and carbs for a few weeks is my biggest hurdle in life, I’ve got it pretty effing good. Plus we’re so close! A week from today, we’ll be totally done.
So today, because I already called all my clients and cancelled their appointments in anticipation of an EPIC and HISTORIC blizzard, I will stay home and indulge myself in things I love to do. I will play records and write. I’ll take a long stroll through the snowy neighborhood. I’ll probably eat another bowl of chili and softly weep because I cannot pair it with cornbread.
And I’m going to bake some cookies.
Because that’s what the human brain tells you to do to feel cozy on a snow day. You bake. So I will.
I won’t eat them, of course. I’ll roll the dough into a ball and pop it into my freezer so Vin and I can share hot, fresh, sweet, delicious cookies at the end of Day 30.
Sometimes we celebrate with food.
So shoot me.
I told you I was edgy this week.
&|&on January, 22nd , 2015 &|&
So, you know how everyone’s always complaining that time is moving too fast and their life is just passing them by? Well, I did it. I cracked the code. I have solved this existential crisis.
All you have to do is go on an eating plan that eliminates two dozen of your very favorite things in life.
TIME WILL CRAWL. I guarantee it.
I’m writing this on Day 17, and I swear the last two weeks have been the slowest in my life. People say December flies by because of all the frenzied holiday shopping, socializing and traveling. I say it’s the cookies. Cookies are fun, and time flies when you’re having fun.
And that’s my complaint
about the Whole30 Challenge. It’s not fun. Sure, I get a few jollies cranking out zucchini ribbons with my spiralizer, and it’s a bit of a tickle creating something new with somewhat limited ingredients, but overall, it’s made the art of eating completely perfunctory. Eating this way is exactly is what it’s supposed to be– it’s eating for fuel, for energy, for sustenance.
But I love eating for joy. I love cooking with joy. I love sitting around on my couch, drinking coffee with milk and sugar in it while reading cookbooks, dreaming of recipes I will create with joy.
So, that’s why eating “clean&#% of the time is tough for me. It’s turned something that I often feel creative and inspired about into something that sometimes feels like drudgery (ie: endless food prepping) and occasionally makes me feel like I’m missing out on life’s best experiences. Sharing meals with others is wonderful, and right now I’m a pain in the ass to eat with.
This weekend, my friend Bridget and I went to the Bronx, simply because neither of us has spent a lot of time in the Bronx. We made our way over to Tremont Avenue, the Little Italy section of the borough. It was cold, so stopping into a cafe for hot drinks and pastries was a given. I sat there and had a plain black tea, and that’s it. I was proud of my ability to resist, but now I was that annoying person who sits across from someone enjoying their pastry while drinking black tea.
I almost jumped a waitress who floated by with a tray of cappuccinos, and when the kitchen door opened and the smells of fresh cream and sugar blew into the cafe I have never inhaled so deeply. I’m surprised I didn’t pass out.
In better news, Vin and I discovered Hu Kitchen, one of the only restaurants around here that is completely paleo. It felt like a hip, healthy adult cafeteria but instead of greasy pizza and milk cartons, everyone had organic chicken and a head of broccoli on their tray. We even saw a post-yoga Olsen twin walk in as we were heading out. I have no idea which one it was, but I was under the impression that they both survived on cigarettes and Starbuck’s, so I was surprised to see her there.
Anyway, for all my complaining, I’ll also say that my stomach and my skin look better than they did two weeks ago. I’m writing this while wearing a pair of jeans that haven’t fit comfortably in about a year, so there’s that too.
Truth be told, I’d rather be drinking coffee with milk and sugar in my slightly bigger pants.
But I’m sticking this thing out, no matter what. I’ll check back in again next week. Off to unsubscribe from the 25 instagram accounts that keep torturing me with pictures of doughnuts…
Sometimes I'm funny
&|&on January, 13th , 2015 &|&
So, I’m not proud of it or anything but uh….I watch The Bachelor. For any of you who thought I was somehow too intelligent or thoughtful to get sucked into reality garbage, I am sorry to disappoint you. Hell, I even did a quick stint in reality dating myself (!). But for those of you who also watch this hypnotically turdy television show, Welcome!
This year’s bachelor is a farmer from Iowa named Chris. He’s big and blonde, and the producers love to film him washing his gloriously hairless chest in his conveniently placed outdoor shower. Farmer Chris–that’s Prince Farming, to you and me– lives in a town with only 450 people in it, so finding a proper woman to tend his hearth and harvest has proven really challenging. The good news is that going on The Bachelor should totally increase his chances of finding a nice girl to bring home to meet his mother and his potatoes. Because that’s just what every budding makeup artist or dance instructor in head-to-toe sequins and fake eyelashes who goes on a reality show aspires to do — move to a farm in Iowa.
This was the second episode, so he’s already knocked the group down from 30 to like 20 or 25, or 15 or 7. Honestly, all these girls start looking alike to me, and I can’t keep track of them, and I really can’t believe he actually knows all their names. I continue to imagine an embarrassed PA hiding in the bushes, holding up cue cards with names, ages and professions on them. By the way, did you know that “Sports Fishing Enthusiast” is a job now?
Tonight’s the first group date, so Farmer Chris takes six ladies to race tractors in downtown LA because… he’s a farmer! This is totally what life is like back home in Iowa! Oh! And by the way, the women have to walk through the city streets in bikinis and high heels on the way to mount their tractors. I don’t know much about Iowa or tractors or farm life,
but if this is the official audition for becoming a farmer’s wife I just got insulted on six womens’ behalf. I wouldn’t walk down a city street in a bathing suit for a yearly membership to his CSA.
After the tractor race, he chooses to spend some one-on-one time with a gal named Mackenzie. She looks about 12, but she wears overalls and named her son after a vegetable, so she might actually be the best match for a farmer.
Far be it from me to judge, but the girl named her son Kale, for chrissakes.
I mean, she’s only 21, so I get that she wanted to go with a trendy vegetable, but I just feel like she’s going to regret that choice down the line. She should have gone with something really classic and masculine like Chive or Fennel. Rutabaga has a nice ring to it.
Anyway, they’re drinking beers in a bar and she tells him she only dates guys with big noses. He’s a little offended that she just told him he has a big shnozz, then she really tries to woo him by talking about aliens.
Clearly she’s forgotten some of the basics of adult conversation since having a kid. She gets really fidgety and nervous because she’s going to reveal to Chris that she has a baby, but dagnabbit, he handled it like a gentleman and didn’t flinch or burst out laughing when she told him her kid’s name was Kale. Which is more than I can say for myself.
For the second group date, another group of women join Farmer Chris on a nighttime zombie hunt. When you’re on a voyage to find your life mate, this is the kind of event that really separates the wheat from the chaff.
Once all the zombies were dead, the group of 12 popped some champagne while leaning on bales of artfully placed hay. He compliments his eleven girlfriends and says “You guys really killed it today.” That Chris. So punny. And so little body hair.
The losers back home who didn’t get picked for the group dates get drunk and twerk on the bathroom wall while wearing clay masks. One gets completely blitzed and does a monologue mocking all the hair on a fellow contestant’s butt. Now that’s just tacky.
This leads me to wonder: What happens after THE FINAL ROSE in these womens’ professional and personal lives? Won’t every potential suitor think they’re a little warped for going on The Bachelor, and won’t every potential employer youtube the shit out of their episodes before calling them in for an interview? Can they ever be taken seriously again?
But tonight, no one cares about all that. Tonight is all about lip gloss and winged hairdos and low-cut evening gowns. And roses–a very finite amount of roses. A girl with Kim Kardashian’s face who’s dressed like she arrived at the mansion via genie bottle or magic carpet just admitted to Mackenzie (Kale’s mother) that she’s a 26-year-old virgin. The jig is clearly up on that front for the young mother, and she admits to being extremely jealous that the cards are now ever in the virgin’s favor because Chris seems like the type of guy who would really prefer his produce organic, so to speak. The next clip shows the virgin making out with Prince Farming with such intensity I’m pretty sure we all just witnessed the nation’s first live tonsillectomy.
Final roses distributed. One girl trips on the carpet. Furious laughter. Now the cut girls are making their exits one by one. Egregious crying. Why do people sign up for this?
My heart is full of emotion. I feel sad for the girls who got sent
home, the ones who must now explain their behavior to their bosses and families. I feel concern for the girl from Brooklyn, who I’m fairly certain was floridly psychotic on national TV and is grossly being kept around for entertainment value. And I too find myself jealous of the virgin.
I could never get my ponytail that shiny.
About Jenn.
Kindly ignore the "food/friends/fun" part on the top of this page. It no longer I just don't know how to change it. Pretend it says something more accurate like "Stories of my Life", or "For a good time, read Jenn".
About Me: I'm a 30-something Texan who moved to New York, became a therapist, and married a guy named Vinny from Queens. I delight in observing the world around me, and write about it here.
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