You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em里面lay 'em什么意思？什么用法？_百度知道
You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em里面lay 'em什么意思？什么用法？
lay them的缩写在我还没有写下这些时，你就可以读懂我的歌词 是2010欧美流行音乐MTV颁奖晚会〃Eminem的开场中的一句话
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'em是them的缩写，这里应该是指前面的lyrics
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Sometimes when I run my application it gives me an error that looks like:
Exception in thread "main" java.lang.NullPointerException
at com.example.myproject.Book.getTitle(Book.java:16)
at com.example.myproject.Author.getBookTitles(Author.java:25)
at com.example.myproject.Bootstrap.main(Bootstrap.java:14)
People have referred to this as a "stack trace". What is a stack trace? What can it tell me about the error that's happening in my program?
About this question - quite often I see a question come through where a novice programmer is "getting an error", and they simply paste their stack trace and some random block of code without understanding what the stack trace is or how they can use it. This question is intended as a reference for novice programmers who might need help understanding the value of a stack trace.
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In simple terms, a stack trace is a list of the method calls that the application was in the middle of when an Exception was thrown.
Simple Example
With the example given in the question, we can determine exactly where the exception was thrown in the application. Let's have a look at the stack trace:
Exception in thread "main" java.lang.NullPointerException
at com.example.myproject.Book.getTitle(Book.java:16)
at com.example.myproject.Author.getBookTitles(Author.java:25)
at com.example.myproject.Bootstrap.main(Bootstrap.java:14)
This is a very simple stack trace. If we start at the beginning of the list of "at ...", we can tell where our error happened. What we're looking for is the topmost method call that is part of our application. In this case, it's:
at com.example.myproject.Book.getTitle(Book.java:16)
To debug this, we can open up Book.java and look at line 16, which is:
public String getTitle() {
System.out.println(title.toString()); &-- line 16
This would indicate that something (probably title) is null in the above code.
Example with a chain of exceptions
Sometimes applications will catch an Exception and re-throw it as the cause of another Exception.
This typically looks like:
} catch (NullPointerException e) {
throw new IllegalStateException("A book has a null property", e)
This might give you a stack trace that looks like:
Exception in thread "main" java.lang.IllegalStateException: A book has a null property
at com.example.myproject.Author.getBookIds(Author.java:38)
at com.example.myproject.Bootstrap.main(Bootstrap.java:14)
Caused by: java.lang.NullPointerException
at com.example.myproject.Book.getId(Book.java:22)
at com.example.myproject.Author.getBookIds(Author.java:35)
... 1 more
What's different about this one is the "Caused by". Sometimes exceptions will have multiple "Caused by" sections. For these, you typically want to find the "root cause", which will be one of the lowest "Caused by" sections in the stack trace. In our case, it's:
Caused by: java.lang.NullPointerException &-- root cause
at com.example.myproject.Book.getId(Book.java:22) &-- important line
Again, with this exception we'd want to look at line 22 of Book.java to see what might cause the NullPointerException here.
More daunting example with library code
Usually stack traces are much more complex than the two examples above. Here's an example (it's a long one, but demonstrates several levels of chained exceptions):
javax.servlet.ServletException: Something bad happened
at com.example.myproject.OpenSessionInViewFilter.doFilter(OpenSessionInViewFilter.java:60)
at org.mortbay.jetty.servlet.ServletHandler$CachedChain.doFilter(ServletHandler.java:1157)
at com.example.myproject.ExceptionHandlerFilter.doFilter(ExceptionHandlerFilter.java:28)
at org.mortbay.jetty.servlet.ServletHandler$CachedChain.doFilter(ServletHandler.java:1157)
at com.example.myproject.OutputBufferFilter.doFilter(OutputBufferFilter.java:33)
at org.mortbay.jetty.servlet.ServletHandler$CachedChain.doFilter(ServletHandler.java:1157)
at org.mortbay.jetty.servlet.ServletHandler.handle(ServletHandler.java:388)
at org.mortbay.jetty.security.SecurityHandler.handle(SecurityHandler.java:216)
at org.mortbay.jetty.servlet.SessionHandler.handle(SessionHandler.java:182)
at org.mortbay.jetty.handler.ContextHandler.handle(ContextHandler.java:765)
at org.mortbay.jetty.webapp.WebAppContext.handle(WebAppContext.java:418)
at org.mortbay.jetty.handler.HandlerWrapper.handle(HandlerWrapper.java:152)
at org.mortbay.jetty.Server.handle(Server.java:326)
at org.mortbay.jetty.HttpConnection.handleRequest(HttpConnection.java:542)
at org.mortbay.jetty.HttpConnection$RequestHandler.content(HttpConnection.java:943)
at org.mortbay.jetty.HttpParser.parseNext(HttpParser.java:756)
at org.mortbay.jetty.HttpParser.parseAvailable(HttpParser.java:218)
at org.mortbay.jetty.HttpConnection.handle(HttpConnection.java:404)
at org.mortbay.jetty.bio.SocketConnector$Connection.run(SocketConnector.java:228)
at org.mortbay.thread.QueuedThreadPool$PoolThread.run(QueuedThreadPool.java:582)
Caused by: com.example.myproject.MyProjectServletException
at com.example.myproject.MyServlet.doPost(MyServlet.java:169)
at javax.servlet.http.HttpServlet.service(HttpServlet.java:727)
at javax.servlet.http.HttpServlet.service(HttpServlet.java:820)
at org.mortbay.jetty.servlet.ServletHolder.handle(ServletHolder.java:511)
at org.mortbay.jetty.servlet.ServletHandler$CachedChain.doFilter(ServletHandler.java:1166)
at com.example.myproject.OpenSessionInViewFilter.doFilter(OpenSessionInViewFilter.java:30)
... 27 more
Caused by: org.hibernate.exception.ConstraintViolationException: could not insert: [com.example.myproject.MyEntity]
at org.hibernate.exception.SQLStateConverter.convert(SQLStateConverter.java:96)
at org.hibernate.exception.JDBCExceptionHelper.convert(JDBCExceptionHelper.java:66)
at org.hibernate.id.insert.AbstractSelectingDelegate.performInsert(AbstractSelectingDelegate.java:64)
at org.hibernate.persister.entity.AbstractEntityPersister.insert(AbstractEntityPersister.java:2329)
at org.hibernate.persister.entity.AbstractEntityPersister.insert(AbstractEntityPersister.java:2822)
at org.hibernate.action.EntityIdentityInsertAction.execute(EntityIdentityInsertAction.java:71)
at org.hibernate.engine.ActionQueue.execute(ActionQueue.java:268)
at org.hibernate.event.def.AbstractSaveEventListener.performSaveOrReplicate(AbstractSaveEventListener.java:321)
at org.hibernate.event.def.AbstractSaveEventListener.performSave(AbstractSaveEventListener.java:204)
at org.hibernate.event.def.AbstractSaveEventListener.saveWithGeneratedId(AbstractSaveEventListener.java:130)
at org.hibernate.event.def.DefaultSaveOrUpdateEventListener.saveWithGeneratedOrRequestedId(DefaultSaveOrUpdateEventListener.java:210)
at org.hibernate.event.def.DefaultSaveEventListener.saveWithGeneratedOrRequestedId(DefaultSaveEventListener.java:56)
at org.hibernate.event.def.DefaultSaveOrUpdateEventListener.entityIsTransient(DefaultSaveOrUpdateEventListener.java:195)
at org.hibernate.event.def.DefaultSaveEventListener.performSaveOrUpdate(DefaultSaveEventListener.java:50)
at org.hibernate.event.def.DefaultSaveOrUpdateEventListener.onSaveOrUpdate(DefaultSaveOrUpdateEventListener.java:93)
at org.hibernate.impl.SessionImpl.fireSave(SessionImpl.java:705)
at org.hibernate.impl.SessionImpl.save(SessionImpl.java:693)
at org.hibernate.impl.SessionImpl.save(SessionImpl.java:689)
at sun.reflect.GeneratedMethodAccessor5.invoke(Unknown Source)
at sun.reflect.DelegatingMethodAccessorImpl.invoke(DelegatingMethodAccessorImpl.java:25)
at java.lang.reflect.Method.invoke(Method.java:597)
at org.hibernate.context.ThreadLocalSessionContext$TransactionProtectionWrapper.invoke(ThreadLocalSessionContext.java:344)
at $Proxy19.save(Unknown Source)
at com.example.myproject.MyEntityService.save(MyEntityService.java:59) &-- relevant call (see notes below)
at com.example.myproject.MyServlet.doPost(MyServlet.java:164)
... 32 more
Caused by: java.sql.SQLException: Violation of unique constraint MY_ENTITY_UK_1: duplicate value(s) for column(s) MY_COLUMN in statement [...]
at org.hsqldb.jdbc.Util.throwError(Unknown Source)
at org.hsqldb.jdbc.jdbcPreparedStatement.executeUpdate(Unknown Source)
at com.mchange.v2.c3p0.impl.NewProxyPreparedStatement.executeUpdate(NewProxyPreparedStatement.java:105)
at org.hibernate.id.insert.AbstractSelectingDelegate.performInsert(AbstractSelectingDelegate.java:57)
... 54 more
In this example, there's a lot more. What we're mostly concerned about is looking for methods that are from our code, which would be anything in the com.example.myproject package. From the second example (above), we'd first want to look down for the root cause, which is:
Caused by: java.sql.SQLException
However, all the method calls under that are library code. So we'll move up to the "Caused by" above it, and look for the first method call originating from our code, which is:
at com.example.myproject.MyEntityService.save(MyEntityService.java:59)
Like in previous examples, we should look at MyEntityService.java on line 59, because that's where this error originated (this one's a bit obvious what went wrong, since the SQLException states the error, but the debugging procedure is what we're after).
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To add on to what Rob has mentioned.
Setting break points in your application allows for the step-by-step processing of the stack.
This enables the developer to use the debugger to see at what exact point the method is doing something that was unanticipated.
Since Rob has used the NullPointerException (NPE) to illustrate something common, we can help to remove this issue in the following manner:
if we have a method that takes parameters such as:
void (String firstName)
In our code we would want to evaluate that firstName contains a value, we would do this like so: if(firstName == null || firstName.equals(""))
The above prevents us from using firstName as an unsafe parameter.
by doing null checks before processing we can help to ensure that our code will run properly.
To expand on an example that utilizes an object with methods we can look here:
if(dog == null || dog.firstName == null)
The above is the proper order to check for nulls, we start with the base object, dog in this case, and then begin walking down the tree of possibilities to make sure everything is valid before processing.
If the order were reversed a NPE could potentially be thrown and our program would crash.
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There is one more stacktrace feature offered by Throwable family - the possibility to manipulate stack trace information.
Standard behavior:
package test.stack.
public class SomeClass {
public void methodA() {
methodB();
public void methodB() {
methodC();
public void methodC() {
throw new RuntimeException();
public static void main(String[] args) {
new SomeClass().methodA();
Stack trace:
Exception in thread "main" java.lang.RuntimeException
at test.stack.trace.SomeClass.methodC(SomeClass.java:18)
at test.stack.trace.SomeClass.methodB(SomeClass.java:13)
at test.stack.trace.SomeClass.methodA(SomeClass.java:9)
at test.stack.trace.SomeClass.main(SomeClass.java:27)
Manipulated stack trace:
package test.stack.
public class SomeClass {
public void methodC() {
RuntimeException e = new RuntimeException();
e.setStackTrace(new StackTraceElement[]{
new StackTraceElement("OtherClass", "methodX", "String.java", 99),
new StackTraceElement("OtherClass", "methodY", "String.java", 55)
public static void main(String[] args) {
new SomeClass().methodA();
Stack trace:
Exception in thread "main" java.lang.RuntimeException
at OtherClass.methodX(String.java:99)
at OtherClass.methodY(String.java:55)
The other posts describe what a stack trace is, but it can still be hard to work with.
If you get a stack trace and want to trace the cause of the exception, a good start point in understanding it is to use the Java Stack Trace Console in Eclipse. If you use another IDE there may be a similar feature, but this answer is about Eclipse.
First, ensure that you have all of your Java sources accessible in an Eclipse project.
Then in the Java respective, click on the Console tab (usually at the bottom). If the Console view is not visible, go to the menu option Window -> Show View and select Console.
Then in the console window, click on the following button (on the right)
and then select Java Stack Trace Console from the drop-down list.
Paste your stack trace into the console. It will then provide a list of links into your source code and any other source code available.
This is what you might see (image from the Eclipse documentation):
The most recent method call made will be the top of the stack, which is the top line (excluding the message text). Going down the stack goes back in time. The second line is the method that calls the first line, etc.
If you are using open-source software, you might need to download and attach to your project the sources if you want to examine. Download the source jars, in your project, open the Referenced Libraries folder to find your jar for your open-source module (the one with the class files) then right click, select Properties and attach the source jar.
if you are getting error of stack trace like following error
String s3=rs.getString("username");
String s4=rs.getString("password");
if(s1.equals(s3)&&s2.equals(s4))
&%@ taglib uri="/jsp/jstl/core" prefix="c" %&
&c:redirect url="user1.jsp"/&
Stacktrace:
org.apache.jasper.servlet.JspServletWrapper.handleJspException(JspServletWrapper.java:568)
org.apache.jasper.servlet.JspServletWrapper.service(JspServletWrapper.java:470)
org.apache.jasper.servlet.JspServlet.serviceJspFile(JspServlet.java:390)
org.apache.jasper.servlet.JspServlet.service(JspServlet.java:334)
javax.servlet.http.HttpServlet.service(HttpServlet.java:727)
org.apache.tomcat.websocket.server.WsFilter.doFilter(WsFilter.java:52)
root cause
java.lang.NullPointerException
to avoid stack trace error in database just simply add try and catch method to remove that error try as folowwing
Class.forName("com.mysql.jdbc.Driver");
java.sql.Connection con = DriverManager.getConnection("jdbc:mysql://localhost/c_d", "root","root");
Statement st=con.createStatement();
rs=st.executeQuery("select username,password from temp1");
while(rs.next())
String s3=rs.getString("username");
String s4=rs.getString("password");
if(s1.equals(s3)&&s2.equals(s4))
&%@ taglib uri="/jsp/jstl/core" prefix="c" %&
&c:redirect url="user1.jsp"/&
catch(Exception e)
e.printStackTrace();
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Stack Overflow works best with JavaScript enabledLet me talk about my f__(1)____.In it there are four people.They are my grandmother,my f_(2)_,my mother and l .My mother is a f_(3)_.She can put out fires.I am a little f_(4)_ .So l can't run f_(5)__ .用所给词头填写单词完成短文:(1)_______百度作业帮
Let me talk about my f__(1)____.In it there are four people.They are my grandmother,my f_(2)_,my mother and l .My mother is a f_(3)_.She can put out fires.I am a little f_(4)_ .So l can't run f_(5)__ .用所给词头填写单词完成短文:(1)______
Let me talk about my f__(1)____.In it there are four people.They are my grandmother,my f_(2)_,my mother and l .My mother is a f_(3)_.She can put out fires.I am a little f_(4)_ .So l can't run f_(5)__ .用所给词头填写单词完成短文:(1)______________(2)______________(3)______________(4)______________(5)______________
family.father.firewoman.fat.fast.Dear Prudence: My wife and I came from the same sperm donor.
Help! My Wife Is My Sister.
Emily Yoffe
Photograph by Teresa Castracane.
Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is
weekly to chat live with readers. An edited&transcript of the chat is below. (&to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie&s&Slate columns&. Send questions to Prudence at .)
Q. Nasty Surprise: When my wife and I met in college, the attraction was immediate, and we quickly became inseparable. We had a number of things in common, we came from the same large metropolitan area, and we both wanted to return there after school, so everything was very natural between us. We married soon after graduation, moved back closer to our families, and had three children by the time we were 30. We were both born to lesbians, she to a couple, and me to a single woman. She had sought out her biological father as soon as she turned 18, as the sperm bank her parents used allowed contact once the children were 18 if both parties consented. I never was interested in learning about that for myself, but she felt we were cheating our future children by not learning everything we could about my past, too. Well, our anniversary is coming up and I decided to go ahead and, as a present to my wife, see if my biological father was interested in contact as well. He was, and even though our parents had used different sperm banks, it appears so did our father, as he is the same person. On the one hand, I love my wife more than I can say, and logically, done is done, we already have children. I have had a vasectomy, so we won't be having any more, so perhaps there is no harm in continuing as we are. But, I can't help but think "This is my sister" every time I look at her now. I haven't said anything to her yet, and I don't know if I should or not. Where do I go from here? I am tempted to burn everything I got from the sperm bank and just try to forget it all, but I'm not sure if I can. Please help me figure out where to go from here.
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A: This is a seminal question about the nature of assisted reproduction. As David Plotz discovered in his book, , on the alleged sperm bank of Nobel Prize winners, many non-geniuses were moved to spread their seed far and wide. So the question has always hung over this: What if the offspring meet and fall in love? Well, you've met and it's true that if you had researched your origins and disclosed them to each other, you and your wife would now likely be close half-siblings. I understand your desire to burn everything. But if you are now looking at your wife and thinking, "Hey, sis," I don't see how you can keep this information to yourself. She's bound to sense something off in your behavior and you simply can't say, "I'm struggling with father issues." I think you have to sit her down and show you what you've discovered. Then you two should likely seek out a counselor who deals with reproductive technology to help you sort through your emotions. I don't see why your healthy children should ever be informed of this. That Dad didn't want to find out who his sperm donor was is a sufficient answer when they get old enough to ask about this. I think there's way too much emphasis put on DNA. Yes, you two will have had a shock, but when it wears off you will be the same people you were before you found out. Shocking news has the effect of making people feels as if the waves it sends out will always rock them. But I think you two should be able to file away your genetic origins and go on.
Q. Auntie Moniker: My brother and sister-in-law have an 18-month-old son who is absolutely adorable. My SIL and I have a we are friendly, but not particularly close. When my nephew was born, my SIL's group of close-knit friends referred to themselves as "aunties" to him. I assumed this would pass, but now that my nephew can speak and identify people, he refers to them as "Auntie First Name." This bothers me because I'm afraid my nephew will not be able to distinguish between family and non-family members. My gut reaction tells me to let this go, that the conversation will only cause an unnecessary wedge between me and my SIL. But in practice, I am finding this hard to do. How can I get over this?
A: How wonderful that your sister-in-law has friends who are so close they are like family. A gaggle of loving "aunties" is only going to bring joy to your nephew's life. But if you want to be the real aunt who's been frozen out because she's crazily jealous, then sure, speak up.
Q. Parents: I wrote to you around July 2009 about buying a home and having my mother and stepfather stay in the finished basement. It worked out for about three years before I could no longer take their free-loading and had to ask them to leave. The people in my family don't really have the "need to be successful" gene, which somehow I did get. I am the only one who has a four-year college degree and doesn't still live at home with my grandmother. Since my mother and stepfather have moved out and back into my grandmother's house, my father has asked to stay with me, as well as my mother-in-law. The only parent who has not asked to stay is my father-in-law, whom I have never met! I have had to refuse them both and be the ungrateful wicked child. I understand that later in life you are expected to take care of your aging parents, but I am in my mid-20s, just starting out and my parents are all in their 50s! Am I wrong to deny them (we have the spare rooms), or is it OK to want to enjoy my 20s and be free of the stress that parents bring?
A: In your original letter your dilemma was that your friends couldn't believe your desire to buy a home that could accomodate your (free-loading) parents, which back then you were happy to do. As I mentioned in my answer, it's lovely if multi-generations can happily live together, but there's a reason that as soon as people got the means, they fled the family home. Your parents are in their 50s so you could be hosting these parasites&I mean loved ones, for the next 30-plus years. Forget ascribing your success and their failure to genes. You have worked hard for your independence, and they would prefer to mooch in the basement. So let them find scrounge in someone else's basement. If they want to call you wicked, when you come home each night to your blessedly parent-free home, cackle with joy like the Wicked Witch of the West.
Q. Re: Nasty Surprise: I know you/we cannot know, but color me skeptical that this letter is legit. The odds of such a &match& have to be very small. I can't help but wonder if this letter is a fiction pushing a political agenda. Your advice, by the way, was spot on.
A: I rarely publish letters I think are likely fake, and I agree that this raises the skepticism alert. But the sperm bank industry has started trying to
just to avoid this kind of situation. Google Dr. Cecil Jacobson, the fertility doctor who may have fathered 75 children using his own sperm. At the time, the question was raised about what if some of his offspring met in high school or college and fell in love. So maybe this is that kind of case. It does present a . And I doubt there's a political agenda to it.
Q. Warring Parents: My adult sister and I (both late 20s/early 30s) keep finding ourselves in the middle of our warring, but still married parents. My mother learned of my father's infidelities, and while she has never raised the issue with him or confronted him, she has spent the past five or so years punishing him without telling him what he's done wrong. It's gotten to the point where my sister and I want to sit our father down and explain why he's being treated the way he is, but it's not our place to have that conversation with him. Beseeching our mother to have the talk herself has proved ineffective in the past. Neither of us want to be piggy in the middle any more, and while my father is certainly guilty of wrongdoing, my mother is only making things worse. Any suggestions on how we can get them communicating?
A: Stop letting yourselves be collateral damage. I have the feeling poor, old dad has a sneaking suspicion that his infidelities have something to do with his angry wife. He may appreciate her treating him miserably since it allows him to utter the immortal phrase to other women: "My wife doesn't understand me." If being with your parents is a misery, you siblings should sit down with them and explain the wear of tear of spending time with them is getting both of you down, and you're going to tail off your visits unless they can behave decently when you're all together.
Q. Fianc&e Weight Issues: Over the past few years, while my fianc&e has been in medical school, she has gained somewhere between 10-15 lbs, and to be honest, I don't care&I'd love her if she had gained 200. That being said, she complains and complains and complains about how she's gained all this weight, and no matter what I say she ends up blowing up on me. It feels like displacement. I, too, have gained weight, but because I'm not a medical student, I have more time to go to the gym, and it's also easier for me to lose weight&she had her thyroid removed and her synthroid messes with her weight sometimes. I love her more than anything in the world, but hearing her complain and complain and then tell me to keep my mouth shut drives me nuts, and it always ends in a fight. How do I talk to her about this in a productive way? I just want her to be happy.
A: Endless hours, crappy food, and stress, stress, stress. Becoming a doctor is a good recipe for being unhealthy, and your girlfriend is suffering from this syndrome. As you've discovered, your girlfriend doesn't want advice, she doesn't want encouragement, she just wants someone to listen to her rant. But you're her boyfriend, not a backboard, and you have limits. Tell her you understand she's overwhelmed at work and frustrated by her weight gain. Say you think she should make the time to get her thyroid medication checked say. Explain you'll go to the gym with her or do whatever she'd like that would help. Tell her she looks great to you. Then say she has become fixated on this topic and you don't want to get into fights with her over it. Say you'll let her vent on this for about 10 minutes, then you'll both have to agree to change the subject. And if she won't, get up and say you're going for a walk and you'd be happy to have her join you, but only if you talk about something else.
Q. Re: "Aunties": My mom's best friend was "Auntie First Name" when I was little. Since we lived three hours or more from my "real" aunts, it was great to have a stand-in. There was never any confusion about blood relations and everyone treated everyone else like family (good and bad).
A: I'm getting lots of letters from people who had unofficial "aunties" in their lives, were never confused by it, and who basked in their love.
Q. Future In-Laws Haven't Acknowledged Engagement: On Valentine's day, my boyfriend proposed and we became happily engaged. We announced our intentions to both sets of parents months earlier, so we didn't feel an obligation to announce the engagement to them privately before sharing it with others. The next day, I posted a picture of the ring on Facebook to share with my short list of Facebook friends (which includes three of my fianc&'s siblings). Congratulations came pouring in for both of us, but his family remained mum through the weekend&even as they called him to discuss other topics. I know they've been online to see the update (which takes priority in our friends' news feeds because it's tagged as a "life event"), but my boyfriend says they may be expecting us to come over and deliver the news in person, since his family is neither as informal or as high-tech as mine. The problem is that neither of us want to do that. His mother reacted with displeasure when he first announced his desire to propose almost a year ago, and my fianc& fears that if we tell his family in person, we'll subject ourselves to the scathing criticisms they feel entitled to make in the comfort and seclusion of their home. They are more like hermit crabs than homebodies and will certainly not meet us anywhere else to discuss it. What's the best course of action?
A: Even technophobes have telephones. So your fianc& should call his parents and tell them he wanted them to hear the good news that you're formally engaged. If a negative word passes Mom's lips, he should say, "Gotta go" and end the call. Not getting close to the crabs is the best way not to get caught in their pincers.
Q. How To Tell Mom?: I've just discovered that my dad has children by another woman (Note to cheaters: Facebook isn't as secret as you think it is). This other woman has held herself out as my father's wife. (My parents have been married for the past 30+ years.) Suddenly, my father's money problems and "traveling salesman" job make a lot of sense. I plan to tell my mom, but I'm not sure how to do it. Do I try to get iron-clad proof? (All my proof is Web-based.) Do I confront him alone? My mom's been through some rough patches lately, and I know this information will devastate her.
A: You definitely need to talk to your father about this first. Sure, you may have stumbled on the truth, but you need confirmation from the source. Then discuss this with your father. You don't know if you mother knows, or perhaps she kind of knows and doesn't want to know. As I mentioned earlier, tread lightly when you're stepping into the middle of your parents' marriage.
Q. Should I Say Something?: My best friend, who is a delightful person in all sorts of ways, is a horrible storyteller. Her stories are typically of the "you had to be there" type or they go on forever without much of a point. Last week, a bunch of us were at dinner, and someone asked her about her vacation to Florida. She spent a good five minutes describing how difficult it was to find a parking space at the airport, then told us a very detailed story about having to repack her bag to get through security, at which point someone gently asked her to tell us about the beach. She's such a nice person that it's hard to get irritated, but I do find myself drifting off and thinking about other things once she launches into a story. Should I say something to her and, if so, how? I really don't want to hurt her feelings.
A: If in order to survive a story by your best friend, you have to mentally take yourself to a desert island, then she needs help. You need to tell her that you love her, but she needs to be more aware of the prolix nature of her anecdotes. Suggest she go to Toastmasters. For a nominal fee this organization will give her feedback and training in speaking effectively that will benefit both her personal and professional lives.&
Emily Yoffe: Thanks, everyone. Talk to you next week.
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