The Old Friends Season I (双语对照）
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[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are there.]
【场景：Central Perk（酒吧），Chandler，Joey，Phoebe和Monica在场】
Monica: There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with!
Monica：没有什么可以说的，他只是一个和我一起工作的人。
Joey: C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him!
Joey：少来了！你准备和那个人一起出去，他一定有一些问题！
Chandler: All right Joey, be nice.&So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?
Chandler：没错，Joey，那个人是个驼背吗？既驼背又秃顶？
Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk?
Phoebe：等等，他是不是吃粉笔的？
(They all stare, bemused.)
他们都注视着，并发呆。
Phoebe: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh!
Phoebe：我只是不希望看到你走我和Carl走过的老路。
Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex.
Monica：好，大家放松一些。这并不是一次约会，只不过是两个人一起出去吃个晚餐，并不做爱。
Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.
Chandler：听起来好像在说我的约会。
[Time Lapse]
【时间流逝】
Chandler: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked.
Chandler：Alright（这个我觉得不需要翻译，应该是一个提醒大家注意的词），让我回到高中时代，（我梦见）我站在自助餐厅的中间，我发现自己全身赤裸。
All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream.
All：哦，对，（我们也）做过这样的梦。
Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize there's a phone... there.
Chandler：然后我向下看，然后我发现那里有一部电话……那里。
Joey: Instead of...?
Joey：而不是……？
Chandler: That's right.
Chandler：是的！
Joey: Never had that dream.
Joey：（我）从来没有做过这样的梦
Phoebe: No.
Phoebe：我也没有。
Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do, everybody starts looking at me.
Chandler：突然，电话响了起来，而我不知道该怎么办，所有人都开始看着我。
Monica: And they weren't looking at you before?!
Monica：他们之前没有看着你吗？
Chandler: Finally, I figure I'd better answer it, and it turns out it's my mother, which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me!
Chandler：最后，我觉得我最好还是接电话，结果是我妈妈打过来的，这非常非常的奇怪，因为我妈妈从来都不给打电话。
[Time Lapse, Ross has entered.]
【时间流逝（以后应该翻译成时空流转好像更好一点），Ross走了进来】
Ross: (mortified) Hi.
Ross：（痛苦的）嗨。
Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.
Joey：（当）这个家伙说Hello的时候，我简直想去自杀。（wanna &美俚& 想要，希望(= want to)）
Monica: Are you okay, sweetie?
Monica：你还好吗？甜心（或者叫亲爱的）。
Ross: I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck...
Ross：我只似乎觉得好像有某个人伸进我的喉咙，抓起了我的肠子，把他们从我的最里面扯出来，然后然后绑在我的脖子上。
Chandler: Cookie?
Chandler：小甜饼？
Monica: (explaining to the others) Carol moved her stuff out today.
Monica：（向其他人解释）Carol今天搬走了她所有的东西。
Joey: Ohh.
Monica: (to Ross) Let me get you some coffee.
Monica：（对Ross说）我帮你倒些咖啡吧。
Ross: Thanks.
Ross：谢谢！
Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air just in front of Ross.)
Phoebe：喔！喔！（她开始拨走Ross前面的空气）
Ross: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay?
Ross：不，别那样！不要清理我的灵气（aura 气氛, 气味, (圣象头部的)光环）。把我的灵气留下，好吗？
Phoebe: Fine!&Be murky!
Phoebe：好吧！继续晦气吧（murky 黑暗的）！
Ross: I'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.
Ross：我会好的，好吗？真的，各位，我希望她过的非常开心。
Monica: No you don't.
Monica：不，你不会的。
Ross: No I don't, to hell with her, she left me!
Ross：不，我不会的，（hell [hel] ；n.地狱, 苦境, 阴间, 地狱中的人, 训斥；vi.狂饮, 飞驰；int.该死!）她这该死的，她甩了我！
Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian...
Joey：而且你一直都不知道她是个同性恋。
Ross: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know?
Ross：没有！！行了吧？！（fixate；vi.视线移向, 注视；vt.使固定, 注视, 凝视, 集中(眼)力））为什么所有人都把注意力集中在这上面？她自己都不知道，我怎么会知道？
Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (They all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud?
Chandler：有时我希望我是一个同性恋（他们都注视着他），我刚才说的很大声吗？
Ross: I told mom and dad last night, they seemed to take it pretty well.
Ross：我昨晚告诉了爸爸妈妈，他们看起来还好。
Monica: Oh really, so that hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M., "I'll never have grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren." was what?&A wrong number?
Monica：哦？真的吗？那么凌晨三点一个歇斯底里的女人打来的电话（hysterical&歇斯底里；sobbing ）“我的孙子没了，我的孙子没了”这是怎么回事？打错电话了吗？
Ross: Sorry.
Ross：对不起。
Joey: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain （痛苦）right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?
Joey：好吧Ross，听着，你现在正感到非常痛苦，现在，你很生气，你很受伤，我能告诉你解决的方法吗？
(Ross gestures his consent.)
（Ross 的姿势表示赞同）
Joey: Strip（剥去） joint（接缝处）! C'mon, you're single! Have some hormones（荷尔蒙）!
Joey：（Strip joint 这里指脱衣舞会）！来吧，你是单身，有性趣求！
Ross: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again!
Ross：我并不想变成单身的，明白吗？我只是……我只是想重新结婚。
(Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search the room.)
（（这时候，正巧）Rachel穿着婚纱走进来，并且在房间里到处寻找）
Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.)
Chandler：而我只是想要一百万元！（他张开双手希望获得）
按：这个场景真的很好笑。Ross说想在结婚，马上从门外进来一个穿着婚纱的美女，而Chandler立即开始祈求得到一百万美元。
Monica: Rachel?!
Monica：Rachel？！
Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!
Rachel：喔，上帝啊！你好！Monica，感谢上帝！我刚才去你家但是比不在那里，有个拿着大锤子的家伙说你可能在这里，你真的在这里，真的在这里！
Waitress: Can I get you some coffee?
服务员：想来杯咖啡吗？
Monica: (pointing at Rachel) De-caff. (to All) Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor（生还者）. (to Rachel) This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross?
Monica：（指着Rachel），不要咖啡因的。（对着大家）嗨，各位，这是Rachel，另一个Lincoln高中的生还者。（对着Rachel）这是大家，这是Chandler，Phonebe，Joey，还有，你还认识我哥哥Ross吗？
Rachel: Hi, sure!
Rachel：嗨，当然！
Ross：嗨。
(They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens.&He sits back down defeated(击败；挫折) again.&A moment of silence follows as Rachel sits and the others expect （期待）her to explain（解释）.)
（他们都去和Rachel拥抱，不过当Ross走过去的时候，他的伞正好打开了，他坐了回去，倍感挫折）。一小段寂静过后，Rachel坐了下来，其他人都在期待她的解释。
Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?
Monica：你是想现在就告诉我们呢，还是等伴娘来了以后才说？
Rachel: Oh God... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat（酱油壶，调味瓶）. This really gorgeous（华丽的） Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden- (to the waitress that brought her coffee)Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realized that I was more turned on（变得兴奋） by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out（）怪诞想法, and that's when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew looked familiar（亲切）, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. (to Monica) So anyway I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city.
Rachel：哦，上帝，这开始于婚礼进行前半个小时，我在放满了礼物的房间里，然后我看着酱油壶，非常漂亮的酱油壶。突然，-（这时候服务员端来了她的咖啡）有没有代糖？-我发现这个酱油壶比Barry更让我兴奋！然后，我产生一种怪诞的想法，而且这种想法让我吓了一跳：Barry看起来多么想Potato Head先生，你知道，我的意思是，我一直觉得他看起来很亲切，但是……不管怎么说，我只是必须离开那里，然后我开始担心“我为什么要这样做，谁使得我这样做？”（向Monica），所以，不管怎么说，我只是不知道我该去哪里，我知道你和我日渐疏远，但是你是我在这个城市认识的唯一一个人。
Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding.
Monica：（我是那个惟一一个）没有被邀请去参加婚礼的人。
Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda（=kind of 有一点） hoping that wouldn't be an issue（出版、发行）...
Rachel：喔，我有些希望这件事从来没有发生过。
[Scene: Monica's Apartment, everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV and are trying to figure out what is going on.]
【场景：Monica的公寓住宅内，所有人都在看电视，正在播放西班牙肥皂剧，而且在猜剧情的发展】
Monica: Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it.
Monica：我猜他送她一台管风琴，但是她肯定不喜欢。
Chandler: (imitating the characters) Tuna or egg salad?&Decide!
Chandler：（模仿演员），吞拿鱼或者鸡蛋沙拉？决定吧！
Ross: (in a deep voice) I'll have whatever Christine is having.
Ross：（用一种低沉的声音）我将拥有Christine正拥有的一切。
Rachel: (on phone) Daddy, I just... I can't marry him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it matters to me!
Rachel：（用电话）爸爸，我只是……我不能嫁给他！对不起。我只是不爱他。好吧，这和我有关。
(The scene on TV has changed to show two women, one is holding her hair.)
（电视上的场景变换，有两个女人，其中一个正抓着她的头发）
Phoebe:&If I let go of my hair, my head will fall off. Chandler: (re TV) Ooh, she should not be wearing those pants(wear the pants(妇女)掌权当家). Joey: I say push her down the stairs. Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey:&Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!
Phonebe：如果我没有头发，我还不如去死。Chandler：（回到电视）喔，她不应该掌权当家。Joey：我说推她下楼。Phoebe，Ross，Chandler和Joey一起：推她下楼，推她下楼，推他下楼！
(She is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.)
（她被推下楼梯，所有人都在庆祝）
Rachel: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! It's like, it's like, all of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse（皮包）, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor（比喻）, Daddy!
Rachel：爸爸，听我说！这就像，这就像，我这一辈子，每个人都一直告诉我：“你是一只鞋子！你是一只鞋子！”而今天，我只是想停止它，然后我想，如果我不想当鞋子，如果我想当皮包呢？你明白吗？或者说想当一顶帽子！不！我并不是说要你买一顶帽子给我，我是说我是一顶帽子……这是一个比喻，爸爸！
Ross: You can see where he'd have trouble.
Ross：你们都知道，他遇到麻烦了。
Rachel: Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica.
Rachel：看着，爸爸，这是我的人生。好吧，也许我会住在Monica这里。
Monica: Well, I guess we've established（确定） who's staying here with Monica...
Monica：好吧，我猜我们已经知道谁会和Monica住在这里了。
Rachel: Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!!
Rachel：好吧，也许这就是我的决定。也许我并不需要你的钱，等等！！我只是说也许！！
[Time Lapse, Rachel is breating into a paper bag.]
【时空转换，Rachel正在一个纸袋子里面呼吸】
Monica: Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try to think of nice calm things... Phoebe: (sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens, (Rachel and Monica turn to look at her.) bluebells and sleighbells and- something with mittens... La la la la...something and noodles with string.&These are a few...
Monica：呼吸，呼吸……就是这样。试着去想一些美好平静的事情……Phoebe（唱着歌）玫瑰花上的雨滴和兔子和小动物（Rachel和Monica转过身看着她），野风信子和雪橇铃还有，手套……啦啦啦啦……还有一条条的面条，还有一些……
Rachel: I'm all better now.
Rachel：我觉得好多了。
Phoebe: (grins（咧嘴笑） and walks to the kitchen and says to Chandler and Joey.) I helped!
Phoebe：（咧着嘴笑着走去厨房，然后对这Chandler和Joey说）我的功劳。
Monica: Okay, look, this is probably for the best, y'know? Independence（独立）. Taking control of your life.&The whole, 'hat' thing.
Monica：好了，看，这也许是最好的了，你知道吗？独立了，自己控制自己的生活，所有的一切“帽子”的生活。
Joey: (comforting（安慰） her) And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live across the hall. And he's away a lot.
Joey：（安慰她），不管怎样，如果你需要任何东西，你可以常常来找Joey。我和Chandler就住在对面，而且他常常都不在。
Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day!
Monica：Joey，别再伤害她了，今天是她结婚的日子。
Joey: What, like there's a rule or something?
Joey：什么？有什么规定说不可以吗？
(The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.)
（门铃声响起，Chandler接了电话）
Chandler: Please don't do that again, it's a horrible（讨厌） sound.
Chandler：请不要再这样做了，这是令人讨厌的声音。
Paul: (over the intercom) It's, uh, it's Paul.
Paul：（通过对讲装置）我是Paul。
Monica: Oh God, is it 6:30?&Buzz him in!
Monica：哦天哪，现在6：30了吗？让他进来！
Joey: Who's Paul?
Joey：Paul是谁？
Ross: Paul the Wine Guy, Paul?
Ross：那个调酒师Paul？
Monica: Maybe. Joey: Wait. Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy?
Monica：或许吧。Joey：等等，你今晚的“不是真正的约会”是和这个调酒师Paul一起吗？
Ross: He finally asked you out?
Ross：她终于约你出去了？
Monica: Yes!
Monica：是的！
Chandler: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment.
Chandler：喔，这是一个值得纪念的时刻。
Monica: Rach, wait, I can cancel...
Monica：Rachel，等等，我可以取消……
Rachel: Please, no, go, that'd be fine!
Rachel：不，没事！去吧，我很好！
Monica: (to Ross) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to stay?
Monica：（对着Ross）你还好吗？我的意思是，你需要我今天留下来陪你吗？
Ross: (choked voice) That'd be good...
Ross：（哽咽的声音）那样最好……
Monica: (horrified带有恐惧感的) Really?
Monica：（带有恐惧感的）真的吗？
Ross: (normal voice) No, go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy!
Ross：（正常的声音）不，去吧！那是调酒师Paul啊！
Phoebe: What does that mean?&& Does he sell it, drink it, or just complain a lot? (Chandler doesn't know.)
Phone：那意味着什么？他是卖酒呢，喝酒呢还是评论酒的？（Chandler也不知道）
(There's a knock on the door and it's Paul.)
（有人敲门，是Paul）
Monica: Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. (They are all lined up next to the door.)... everybody, everybody, this is Paul.
Monica：嗨，进来吧！Paul，这是……（他们全都排成一排站在门边）……大家，大家，这是Paul。
All: Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey!
所有人：嗨！Paul！嗨！调酒师！嗨！
Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?
Chandler：对不起，我还不知道你的名字，Paul是吗？
Monica: Okay, umm-umm, I'll just--I'll be right back, I just gotta（俚语=have got to必须去） go ah, go ah...
Monica：好的，嗯……我要，，我马上回来，我必须去去，啊，要去，啊……
Ross: A wandering（神情恍惚）?
Ross：神情恍惚？
Monica: Change!&Okay, sit down. (Shows Paul in) Two seconds.
Monica：换衣服，请坐！（示意Paul进来）很快！
Phoebe: Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.
Phoebe：哦，我刚刚拔了四根眼睫毛。不妙。
(Monica goes to change.)
（Monica去换衣服。）
Joey:&Hey, Paul!
Joey：嗨，Paul！
Paul: Yeah?
Paul：什么事？
Joey: Here's a little tip, she really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again until it starts to get a little red.
Joey：这儿有一个小提示，她非常喜欢你不停不停不停的摩擦她脖子的同一个地方，直到那个地方开始有些发红了为止。
Monica: (yelling（大叫） from the bedroom) Shut up, Joey!
Monica：闭嘴，Joey！
Ross: So Rachel, what're you, uh... what're you up to tonight?
Ross：Rachel，你怎么样，嗯，你今晚要干什么？
Rachel: Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing!
Rachel：哦，我本应该在前往Aruba的蜜月旅行中的，所以，现在没事了！
Ross: Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon, God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year... talk about your- (thinks) -big lizards... Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are coming over to help me put together my new furniture.
Ross：是的！你没法去渡你的蜜月，上帝。不，不，虽然，Aruba，在每年的这个时候，谈到你的（想了一下）大蜥蜴……不管怎样，如果今晚你不想独处，Joey和Chandler会过来帮我组装我的新家具。
Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, and we're very excited about it.
Chandler：（面无表情）是的，我们对此非常兴奋。
Rachel: Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight.&It's been kinda a long day.
Rachel：真的非常感谢，不过我想我还是想呆在这儿。今天真是漫长的一天。
Ross: Okay, sure.
Ross：好的，当然！
Joey: Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?
Joey：嗨，Phoebe，你能过去帮忙吗？
Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.
Phoebe：哦，我想我可以，但是我不想去。
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[Scene: The Subway, Phoebe is singing for change.]
【场景：在地铁站，Phoebe正在唱歌赚取零钱】
Phoebe: (singing) Love is sweet as summer showers, love is a wondrous work of art, but your love oh your love, your love...is like a giant pigeon...crapping on my heart.&La-la-la-la-la- (some guy gives her some change and to that guy) Thank you. (sings) La-la-la-la...ohhh!
Phoebe：（唱着歌）爱情甜蜜的就像在夏天冲凉，爱情就像令人惊奇的艺术作品，但是你的爱情，哦你的爱情，就像巨大的鸽子，在我的心上crpping（掷色子，或者废物，我不懂翻译），啦啦啦。。。（有个人给了她一些零钱，她对他说）谢谢。（继续唱）啦啦啦。。。喔~~~（很难听！）
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, the guys are there assembling furniture.]
【场景：Ross的公寓，他们在组装家具。】
Ross: (squatting and reading the instructions) I'm supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little worm guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no whim guys whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs.
Ross：（蹲在那里读说明书）我应该用一些螺杆将支架装在侧面，但我没有看到这些支架，我也没有看到螺杆，而且，我的脚已经失去知觉了。
(Joey and Chandler are finishing assembling the bookcase.)
（Joey和Chandler组装完成了一个书架）
Joey: I'm thinking we've got a bookcase here.
Joye：我想我们已经装好了一个书架了。
Chandler: It's a beautiful thing.
Chandler：真漂亮！
Joey: (picking up a leftover part) What's this?
Joey：（捡起了一个掉落的部分）这是什么？
Chandler: I would have to say that is an 'L'-shaped bracket.
Chandler：我不得不说，这是一个“L”状的支架。
Joey: Which goes where?
Joey：应该装在哪里？
Chandler: I have no idea.
Chandler：我不知道。
(Joey checks that Ross is not looking and dumps it in a plant.)
（Joey看了看Ross，发现他并没有看着自己，于是把它丢在一盆植物的里面）
Joey: Done with the bookcase!
Joey：书架装好了！
Chandler: All finished!
Chandler：全都搞定了！
Ross: (clutching a beer can and sniffing) This was Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should have known.
Ross：（拿着一个啤酒罐子闻着）这是Carol最喜欢的啤酒，她总是不用罐子喝，我应该知道些什么的。
Joey: Hey-hey-hey-hey, if you're gonna start with that stuff we're outta here.
Joey：嗨-嗨-嗨-嗨，如果你现在开始想这些我们马上就离开这里。
Chandler: Yes, please don't spoil all this fun.
Chandler：是的，请不要破坏这里开心的气氛。
Joey: Ross, let me ask you a question. She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get?
Joey：Ross，让我问你一个问题，她得到了家具，音响，好的电视，你得到了什么？
Ross: You guys.
Ross：你们。
Chandler: Oh, God.
Chandler：哦，上帝！
Joey: You got screwed.
Joey：你昏头了吧？！
Chandler: Oh my God!
Chandler：哦，我的上帝！
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are eating.]
【场景：一个餐厅，Monica和Paul正在吃东西。】
Monica: Oh my God!
Monica：哦，天哪！
Paul: I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I mean, how clean can teeth get?
Paul：我知道，我知道，我是一个笨蛋。我想当她每周去看四五次牙科医生时我应该能够发现。我的意思是，牙齿能够有多干净呢？
Monica: My brother's going through that right now, he's such a mess. How did you get through it?
Monica：我哥哥正在承受这种痛苦，他现在一片混乱。你怎么熬过来的？
Paul: Well, you might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers, say her-
Paul：呃，你可以不小心弄坏她的一个贵重的东西，比如说她的-
Monica: -leg?
Monica：脚？
Paul: (laughing) That's one way! Me, I- I went for the watch.
Paul：（笑着）那是一种方法！我的话，我会弄坏她的手表。
Monica: You actually broke her watch?&Wow!&The worst thing I ever did was, I-I shredded by boyfriend's favorite bath towel.
Monica：你真的弄坏了她的手表？喔！我做过最坏的事情是，我撕碎了我男朋友最喜欢的浴巾。
Paul: Ooh, steer clear of you.
Paul：哦，（Steer clear of-避开，绕开）我得离你远点。
Monica: That's right. [Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is talking on the phone and pacing.]
Monica：没错。【场景：Monica的公寓，Rachel正在边踱步边讲电话】
Rachel: Barry, I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I know you probably think that this is all about what I said the other day about you making love with your socks on, but it isn't... it isn't, it's about me, and I ju- (She stops talking and dials the phone.) Hi, machine cut me off again... anyway...look, look, I know that some girl is going to be incredibly lucky to become Mrs. Barry Finkel, but it isn't me, it's not me.&And not that I have any idea who me is right now, but you just have to give me a chance too... (The maching cuts her off again and she redials.)
Rachel：Barry，对不起，我真的很对不起！我知道你一定认为这和我那次说的话有关，关于你和我做爱时穿着袜子。但是，不是这样的，不是你的关系，是我的关系。而且，我只是--（她停止说话，然后重新拨号），嗨，电话又把我打断了。不管则样，听着，我知道某个女孩将会不可思议的幸运的成为Barry Finkel太太，但那不是我。而且，我现在连自己是谁都不知道，但你还是应该再给我一次机会向你--（电话答录机再次挂断，然后她再次重拨）
[Scene: Ross's A Ross is pacing while Joey and Chandler are working on some more furniture.]
【场景：Ross的公寓，Ross在踱步，而Joey和Chandler正在组装其他的家具】
Ross: I'm divorced!&I'm only 26 and I'm divorced!
Ross：我离婚了，我才26岁我就离婚了！
Joey: Shut up!
Joey：住口！
Chandler: You must stop! (Chandler hits what he is working on with a hammer and it collapses.)
Chandler：你必须停止！（Chandler用锤子敲了他正在组装的家具一下，然后那个家具塌掉了。）
Ross: That only took me an hour.
Ross：（那个只花了我一个小时时间）
Chandler: Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento.&& You, however have had the love of a woman for four years.&& Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it!&I don't think that was my point!
Chandler：听着，Ross，你必须明白，我们认识不是太久，但是你和一个女人已经相爱了四年了。四年的封闭和分享，最后她把你的心都麻痹了，那就是为什么我们不这么做。这还不是最重要的。
Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, y'know? I mean what if you get one woman- and that's it? Unfortunately in my case, there was only one woman- for her...
Ross：你知道最可怕的是什么吗？如果每个人都只能拥有一个女人，你明白吗，我的意思是，如果你只能拥有一个女人，那么怎么办？不幸的是，对于我来说，我唯一爱的那个女人，是她。
Joey: What are you talking about? 'One woman'? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Lemme tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!
Joey：你在说什么？“只有一个女人”？那就像是在说，你只能吃一款冰激凌。让我教教你吧，Ross。有很多种冰激淋，比如Rocky Road，比如Cookie Dough，比如Bing（全部都是冰激淋的种类），Cherry Vanilla。你可以插上小糖条，或者见过，或者生奶油！这是你一生中最美好的事情！你八岁就结婚了吧？！欢迎回到现实中来！分一杯羹！
Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.
Ross：我真的不知道我是饥渴还是欲火焚身。
Chandler: Stay out of my freezer!
Chandler：离我的冰箱远一点！
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are still eating.]
【场景，一个酒店里，Monica和paul还在吃东西。】
Paul: Ever since she walked out on me, I, uh...
Paul：自从她离开我之后，我，呃。。
Monica: What?..... What, you wanna spell it out with noodles?
Monica：什么？你打算边弄面条边和我说？
Paul: No, it's, it's more of a fifth date kinda revelation.
Paul：不，我已经经历了五次或者更多的约会。
Monica: Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth date?
Monica：哦，那么这是你的第五次约会？
Paul: Isn't there?
Paul：难道这不是约会吗？
Monica: Yeah... yeah, I think there is. -What were you gonna say?
Monica：是的，我想这是约会吧。你刚才准备说什么？
Paul: Well, ever-ev-... ever since she left me, um, I haven't been able to, uh, perform. (Monica takes a sip of her drink.) ...Sexually.
Paul：呃，自从她甩了我，我还没有机会做，呃（Monica正在用一根习惯喝东西），做爱。
Monica: (spitting out her drink in shock) Oh God, oh God, I am sorry... I am so sorry...
Monica：（震惊的把刚刚喝进嘴里的吐了出来）哦，上帝，对不起！真的很对不起！
Paul: It's okay...
Paul：没什么。。
Monica: I know being spit on is probably not what you need right now. Um... how long?
Monica：我知道你肯定不是想要这些（指吐水在他身上），嗯，多久了？
Paul: Two years.
Paul：两年了。
Monica: Wow! I'm-I'm-I'm glad you smashed her watch!
Monica：喔！我很高兴你打烂了她的表。
Paul: So you still think you, um... might want that fifth date?
Paul：你还想要第五次约会吗？
Monica: (pause)...Yeah. Yeah, I do.
Monica：（暂停）。。是的。当然想
[Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is watching Joanne Loves Chaci.]
【场景：Monica的公寓，Rachel正在看电视】
Priest on TV: We are gathered here today to join Joanne Louise Cunningham and Charles, Chachi-Chachi-Chachi, Arcola in the bound of holy matrimony.
电视上的牧师：我们聚集在这里，参加Joanne Louise Cunningham和Charles Chachi Chachi-Chachi-Chachi Arcola的神圣婚礼。
Rachel: Oh...see... but Joanne loved Chachi! That's the difference!
Rachel：哦，看那。。Joanne爱Chachi！这就是不同！
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, they're all sitting around and talking.]
【场景：Ross的公寓，他们坐在一圈聊天】
Ross: (scornful) Grab a spoon. Do you know how long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything to you?
Ross：（轻蔑的）分一杯羹。你知道我分了这一杯羹用了多长时间吗？难道那些词语“Billy，不要成为英雄”对你有意义吗？
Joey: Great story!&But, I uh, I gotta go, I got a date with Andrea--Angela--Andrea...&Oh man, (looks to Chandler)
Chandler: Angela's the screamer, Andrea has cats.
Joey：伟大的故事！但是，我要走了。我和Andrea-Andrea-Angela-Andrea有一个约会。哦，你（看着Chandler）
Chandler：Angela喜欢尖叫，Andrea喜欢养猫。
Joey: Right.&Thanks.&It's June.&I'm outta here. (Exits.)
Joey：没错！谢谢！现在是六月，我走了。（出去了。）
Ross: Y'know, here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough to- to ask a woman out,... who am I gonna ask? (He gazes out of the window.)
Ross：你看，是这样的。就算我鼓起勇气去约女人出去，可是，我约谁呢？（他注视着窗外）
[Cut to Rachel staring out of her window.]
【切换到Rachel正在目不转睛地看着她的窗外】
[Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is making coffee for Joey and Chandler.]
【场景：Monica的公寓，Rachel在为Joey和Chandler泡咖啡。】
Rachel: Isn't this amazing? I mean, I have never made coffee before in my entire life.
Rachel：神奇吧？！我的意思是，在我这一生之中，我从来没有泡过咖啡。
Chandler: That is amazing.
Chandler：真是神奇！
Joey: Congratulations.
Joey：恭喜你！
Rachel: Y'know, I figure if I can make coffee, there isn't anything I can't do.
Rachel：我知道，我是说，如果我能泡咖啡，那就没有什么事情是我做不了的。
Chandler: If can invade Poland, there isn't anything I can't do.
Chandler：如果我能侵入波兰，我就能征服一切。
Joey: Listen, while you're on a roll, if you feel like you gotta make like a Western omelet or something... (Joey and Chandler taste the coffee, grimace, and pour it into a plant pot.) Although actually I'm really not that hungry...
Joey：听着，如果你兴致大发想做一个向西部煎蛋卷或者什么的话。。。（Joey和Chandler尝了一下咖啡后，表情非常痛苦，然后把咖啡倒进种植物的瓶子里面），说实在的，我现在一点也不饿。。。
Monica: (entering, to herself) Oh good, Lenny and Squigy are here.
Monica：（走了进来，对自己说），哦好的，Lenny和Squigy来啦。
All: Morning. Good morning.
All：早上好。
Paul: (entering from Monica's room) Morning.
Paul：（从Monica的房间里走进来），早上好。
Joey: Morning, Paul.
Joey：早上好，Paul。
Rachel: Hello, Paul.
Rachel：你好，Paul。
Chandler: Hi, Paul, is it?
Chandler：Hi，Paul，是你吧！
(Monica and Paul walk to the door and talk in a low voice so the others can't hear.&The others move Monica's table closer to the door so that they can.)
（Monica和Paul走出门去，用很低的声音说话，所以其他人听不到。他们把Monica的桌子移到靠近门的位置以便听他们说什么）
Paul: Thank you!&Thank you so much!
Paul：谢谢你！非常感谢你！
Monica: Stop!
Monica：停！
Paul: No, I'm telling you last night was like umm, all my birthdays, both graduations, plus the barn raising scene in Witness.
Paul：不，我要告诉你，昨晚就好像，嗯，好像我所有的生日，毕业典礼，和谷仓收获季节加在一起一样.
Monica: We'll talk later.
Monica：我们晚点再谈吧。
Paul: Yeah. (They kiss) Thank you. (Exits)
Paul：好的（他们接吻）谢谢你！（走了。）
Joey: That wasn't a real date?! What the hell do you do on a real date?
Joey：那不是一个真正的约会？（what the hell(用以加强语气或咒骂)究竟, 到底 (What the hell did you hear? 你究竟听到了什么?)） 你真正的约会时到底会做什么呢？
Monica: Shut up, and put my table back.
Monica：住口，把我的桌子搬回原位。
All: Okayyy! (They do so.)
All：好的。（他们照做了。）
Chandler: All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers,... it doesn't make much of a difference...
Chandler：好的，孩子们，我去上班了。如果我不输入那些数字，那也不会有多大的不同。
Rachel: So, like, you guys all have jobs?
Rachel：你们大家都有工作？
Monica: Yeah, we all have jobs. See, that's how we buy stuff.
Monica：是的，我们都有工作。这样才有钱买东西。
Joey: Yeah, I'm an actor.
Joey：对，我是一个演员。
Rachel: Wow! Would I have seen you in anything?
Rachel：Wow！我在哪里见过你吗？
Joey: I doubt it. Mostly regional work.
Joey：我想没有吧，我多数情况下都在地区性节目中出现。
Monica: Oh wait, wait, unless you happened to catch the Reruns' production of Pinocchio, at the little theater in the park.
Monica：哦，等等，除非你看过公园里的小剧场里面的“Rerun's production of pinocchio”。
Joey: Look, it was a job all right?
Joey：这也算一份工作吧？
Chandler: 'Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.'
Chandler：“看呀，Gippetto，我是一个活生生的男孩”
Joey: I will not take this abuse. (Walks to the door and opens it to leave.)
Joey：我不会理睬这种羞辱的。（走到门边，开门离开）
Chandler: You're right, I'm sorry. (Burst into song and dances out of the door.) "Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy..."
Chandler：你是对的，对不起。（忽然唱着歌手舞足蹈的离开）“我曾是一个小木偶，一个小木偶”
Joey: You should both know, that he's a dead man.&Oh, Chandler? (Starts after Chandler.) Monica: So how you doing today? Did you sleep okay? Talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling.
Joey：你们都要知道，他完蛋了。哦，Chandler（跟着Chandler走了）Monica：你今天做什么？睡得好吗？打电话给Barry？我笑得停不下来了。
Rachel: I can see that. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.
Rachel：我看出来了，你看起来像是嘴里含着衣架睡觉。
Monica: I know, he's just so, so... Do you remember you and Tony DeMarco?
Monica：我知道，他简直。。。你记得你和Tony DeMarco吗？
Rachel: Oh, yeah.
Rachel：哦，当然。
Monica: Well, it's like that. With feelings.
Monica：这种感觉就像那样。
Rachel: Oh wow. Are you in trouble.
Rachel：哦，你遇到麻烦了。
Monica: Big time!
Monica：大麻烦！
Rachel: Want a wedding dress?&& Hardly used.
Rachel：需要婚纱吗？几乎没有用过的。
Monica: I think we are getting a little ahead of selves here. Okay. Okay. I am just going to get up, go to work and not think about him all day. Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work.
Monica：我想我们有些不知所以了。好的，好的。我要起床，去工作，然后一整天都不要想他。或者只是起床然后去工作。
Rachel: Oh, look, wish me luck!
Rachel：哦，祝我好运吧！
Monica: What for?
Monica：那方面的？
Rachel: I'm gonna go get one of those (Thinks) job things.
Rachel：我要去找一份（思考）工作。
(Monica exits.)
（Monica离开了）
[Scene: Iridium, Monica is working as Frannie enters.]
【场景：Iridium，Monica正在工作，Frannie走了进来。】
Frannie: Hey, Monica!
Frannie：嗨，Monica！
Monica: Hey Frannie, welcome back! How was Florida?
Monica：嗨，Frannie，欢迎你回来。佛罗里达怎么样？
Frannie: You had sex, didn't you?
Frannie：你做爱了，是吧？
Monica: How do you do that?
Monica：你怎么知道？
Frannie: Oh, I hate you, I'm pushing my Aunt Roz through Parrot Jungle and you're having sex!&So? Who?
Frannie：哦，我恨你。我推着我的姨妈Roz穿过Parrot Jungle，而你却在做爱！那么，和谁？
Monica: You know Paul?
Monica：你认识Paul吗？
Frannie: Paul the Wine Guy? Oh yeah, I know Paul.
Frannie：调酒的Paul？哦，当然，我认识他。
Monica: You mean you know Paul like I know Paul?
Monica：你的意思是，你认识他的程度就好像我认识他的程度？
Frannie: Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul. Y'know before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years.
Frannie：你在开玩笑吗？（take credit for 因...而得到好评 ） 他还得感谢我呢。你知道吗，在认识我之前，（下面这句话好像很粗，意指两年没做过爱。）他的海龟两年都没有成功过。（no snap[美俚]无结果, 不成功, 不行, 不接受(建议, 要求等)）
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Rachel is there.]
【场景：Central Perk，除了Rachel，所有人都在】
Joey: (sitting on the arm of the couch)Of course it was a lie!
Joey：（坐在睡椅的扶手上）这当然是一个谎言！
Monica: Why?! Why? Why, why would anybody do something like that?
Monica：为什么？为什么为什么？！为什么每个人都会这样做？
Ross: I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than 'to get you into bed'.
Ross：我想答案比 “设法骗你上床”更复杂
Monica: I hate men!&I hate men!
Monica：我恨男人！我恨男人！
Phoebe: Oh no, don't hate, you don't want to put that out into the universe.
Phoebe：哦，不，不要恨男人，你也不想把他们丢出宇宙去吧？
Monica: Is it me? Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?
Monica：问题是出在我身上吗？是不是我就像有某种信号使得只有狗和感情有严重问题的男人才能听到？
Phoebe: All right, c'mere, gimme your feet. (She starts massaging them.)
Monica: I just thought he was nice, y'know?
Joey: (bursts out laughing again) I can't believe you didn't know it was a lie!
(Monica pushes him off of the sofa as Rachel enters with a shopping bag.)
Rachel: Guess what?
Ross: You got a job?
Rachel: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve interviews today.
Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.
Rachel: You would be too if you found John and David boots on sale, fifty percent off!
Chandler: Oh, how well you know me...
Rachel: They're my new 'I don't need a job, I don't need my parents, I've got great boots' boots!
Monica: How'd you pay for them?
Rachel: Uh, credit card.
Monica: And who pays for that?
Rachel: Um... my... father.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is sitting around the kitchen table.&& Rachel's credit cards are spread out on the table along with a pair of scissors.]
Rachel: Oh God, come on you guys, is this really necessary?&I mean, I can stop charging anytime I want.
Monica: C'mon, you can't live off your parents your whole life.
Rachel: I know that. That's why I was getting married.
Phoebe: Give her a break, it's hard being on your own for the first time.
Rachel: Thank you.
Phoebe: You're welcome. I remember when I first came to this city. I was fourteen. My mom had just killed herself and my step-dad was back in prison, and I got here, and I didn't know anybody. And I ended up living with this albino guy who was, like, cleaning windshields outside port authority, and then he killed himself, and then I found aromatherapy. So believe me, I know exactly how you feel.
Ross: The word you're looking for is 'Anyway'...
Monica: All right, you ready?
Rachel: No.&No, no, I'm not ready!&How can I be ready?&"Hey, Rach!&You ready to jump out the airplane without your parachute?"&Come on, I can't do this!
Monica: You can, I know you can!
Rachel: I don't think so.
Ross: Come on, you made coffee!&& You can do anything! (Chandler slowly tries to hide the now dead plant from that morning when he and Joey poured their coffee into it.)
Ross: C'mon, cut. Cut, cut, cut,...
All: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut... (She cuts one of them and they cheer.)
Rachel: Y'know what?&I think we can just leave it at that.&It's kinda like a symbolic gesture...
Monica:&Rachel!&That was a library card!
All: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut..
Chandler: (as Rachel is cutting up her cards) Y'know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.
(She finishes cutting them up and they all cheer.)
Monica: Welcome to the real world! It sucks. You're gonna love it!
[Time Lapse, Rachel and Ross are watching a TV channel finishes it's broadcast day by playing the national anthem.]
Monica: Well, that's it (To Ross) You gonna crash on the couch?
Ross: No. No, I gotta go home sometime.
Monica: You be okay?
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Hey Mon, look what I just found on the floor. (Monica smiles.) What?
Monica: That's Paul's watch. You just put it back where you found it. Oh boy. Alright. Goodnight, everybody.
Ross and Rachel: Goodnight.
(Monica stomps on Paul's watch and goes into her room.)
Ross: Mmm. (They both reach for the last cookie) Oh, no-
Rachel: Sorry-
Ross: No no no, go-
Rachel: No, you have it, really, I don't want it-
Ross: Split it?
Rachel: Okay.
Ross: Okay. (They split it.) You know you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a, um, major crush on you.
Rachel: I knew.
Ross: You did! Oh.... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother.
Rachel: I did.
Ross: Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let my intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor here- but do you think it would be okay if I asked you out? Sometime? Maybe?
Rachel: Yeah, maybe...
Ross: Okay... okay, maybe I will...
Rachel: Goodnight.
Ross: Goodnight.
(Rachel goes into her room and Monica enters the living room as Ross is leaving.)
Monica: See ya.... Waitwait, what's with you?
Ross: I just grabbed a spoon. (Ross exits and Monica has no idea what that means.)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
Joey: I can't believe what I'm hearing here.
Phoebe: (sings) I can't believe what I'm hearing here...
Monica: What? I-I said you had a-
Phoebe: (sings) What I said you had...
Monica: (to Phoebe) Would you stop?
Phoebe: Oh, was I doing it again?
Monica: I said that you had a nice butt, it's just not a great butt.
Joey: Oh, you wouldn't know a great butt if it came up and bit ya.
Ross: There's an image.
Rachel: (walks up with a pot of coffee) Would anybody like more coffee?
Chandler: Did you make it, or are you just serving it?
Rachel: I'm just serving it.
All: Yeah. Yeah, I'll have a cup of coffee.
Chandler: Kids, new dream... I'm in Las Vegas. (Rachel sits down to hear Chandler's dream.)
Customer: (To Rachel) Ahh, miss?&& More coffee?
Rachel: Ugh. (To another customer that's leaving.) Excuse me, could you give this to that guy over there? (Hands him the coffee pot.) Go ahead. (He does so.) Thank you. (To the gang.) Sorry.&Okay, Las Vegas.
Chandler: Okay, so, I'm in Las Vegas... I'm Liza Minelli-
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《Friends》剧本（第一季）
101 The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are there.]
Monica: There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with!
Joey: C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him!
Chandler: All right Joey, be nice.&So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?
Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk?
(They all stare, bemused.)
Phoebe: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh!
Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex.
Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.
[Time Lapse]
Chandler: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked.
All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream.
Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize there's a phone... there.
Joey: Instead of...?
Chandler: That's right.
Joey: Never had that dream.
Phoebe: No.
Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do, everybody starts looking at me.
Monica: And they weren't looking at you before?!
Chandler: Finally, I figure I'd better answer it, and it turns out it's my mother, which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me!
[Time Lapse, Ross has entered.]
Ross: (mortified) Hi.
Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.
Monica: Are you okay, sweetie?
Ross: I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck...
Chandler: Cookie?
Monica: (explaining to the others) Carol moved her stuff out today.
Joey: Ohh.
Monica: (to Ross) Let me get you some coffee.
Ross: Thanks.
Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air just in front of Ross.)
Ross: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay?
Phoebe: Fine!&Be murky!
Ross: I'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.
Monica: No you don't.
Ross: No I don't, to hell with her, she left me!
Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian...
Ross: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know?
Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (They all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud?
Ross: I told mom and dad last night, they seemed to take it pretty well.
Monica: Oh really, so that hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M., "I'll never have grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren." was what?&A wrong number?
Ross: Sorry.
Joey: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?
(Ross gestures his consent.)
Joey: Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some hormones!
Ross: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again!
(Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search the room.)
Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.)
Monica: Rachel?!
Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!
Waitress: Can I get you some coffee?
Monica: (pointing at Rachel) De-caff. (to All) Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (to Rachel) This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross?
Rachel: Hi, sure!
(They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens.&He sits back down defeated again.&A moment of silence follows as Rachel sits and the others expect her to explain.)
Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?
Rachel: Oh God... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden- (to the waitress that brought her coffee)Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. (to Monica) So anyway I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city.
Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding.
Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue... [Scene: Monica's Apartment, everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV and are trying to figure out what is going on.]
Monica: Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it.
Chandler: (imitating the characters) Tuna or egg salad?&Decide!
Ross: (in a deep voice) I'll have whatever Christine is having.
Rachel: (on phone) Daddy, I just... I can't marry him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it matters to me!
(The scene on TV has changed to show two women, one is holding her hair.)
Phoebe:&If I let go of my hair, my head will fall off. Chandler: (re TV) Ooh, she should not be wearing those pants. Joey: I say push her down the stairs. Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey:&Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!
(She is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.)
Rachel: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! It's like, it's like, all of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy!
Ross: You can see where he'd have trouble.
Rachel: Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica.
Monica: Well, I guess we've established who's staying here with Monica...
Rachel: Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!!
[Time Lapse, Rachel is breating into a paper bag.]
Monica: Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try to think of nice calm things... Phoebe: (sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens, (Rachel and Monica turn to look at her.) bluebells and sleighbells and- something with mittens... La la la la...something and noodles with string.&These are a few...
Rachel: I'm all better now.
Phoebe: (grins and walks to the kitchen and says to Chandler and Joey.) I helped!
Monica: Okay, look, this is probably for the best, y'know? Independence. Taking control of your life.&The whole, 'hat' thing.
Joey: (comforting her) And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live across the hall. And he's away a lot.
Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day!
Joey: What, like there's a rule or something?
(The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.)
Chandler: Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound.
Paul: (over the intercom) It's, uh, it's Paul.
Monica: Oh God, is it 6:30?&Buzz him in!
Joey: Who's Paul?
Ross: Paul the Wine Guy, Paul?
Monica: Maybe. Joey: Wait. Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy?
Ross: He finally asked you out?
Monica: Yes!
Chandler: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment.
Monica: Rach, wait, I can cancel...
Rachel: Please, no, go, that'd be fine!
Monica: (to Ross) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to stay?
Ross: (choked voice) That'd be good...
Monica: (horrified) Really?
Ross: (normal voice) No, go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy!
Phoebe: What does that mean?&& Does he sell it, drink it, or just complain a lot? (Chandler doesn't know.)
(There's a knock on the door and it's Paul.)
Monica: Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. (They are all lined up next to the door.)... everybody, everybody, this is Paul.
All: Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey!
Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?
Monica: Okay, umm-umm, I'll just--I'll be right back, I just gotta go ah, go ah...
Ross: A wandering?
Monica: Change!&Okay, sit down. (Shows Paul in) Two seconds.
Phoebe: Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.
(Monica goes to change.)
Joey:&Hey, Paul!
Paul: Yeah?
Joey: Here's a little tip, she really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again until it starts to get a little red.
Monica: (yelling from the bedroom) Shut up, Joey!
Ross: So Rachel, what're you, uh... what're you up to tonight?
Rachel: Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing!
Ross: Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon, God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year... talk about your- (thinks) -big lizards... Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are coming over to help me put together my new furniture.
Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, and we're very excited about it.
Rachel: Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight.&It's been kinda a
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